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My poem. Read, please?

My poem. Read, please? Topic: Gold writing paper
July 23, 2019 / By Asia
Question: So I was just thinking about rain, and I wrote this poem. I know it's not very good, but your opinions? Constructive critiscism and editing tips are fine, too. I enjoy reading comments =) The question I was sort of thinking of while I wrote this was: Would you rather die honorably in a battle, or survive, but then have to fight that same battle over and over again, every single day? It's not very specific, just a random thought. The rain, it pains me much to see the water run down the pane. The rain, it's cold, so very cold, and wet and dreary and grey. The rain, it rattles, it shakes the glass it threatens the frail wooden frame of my house, on the hill up so high To be swept away in the rain. The rain, it beats against the glass, as I hear rolls of thunder pass as I see lightning melt the sky as scraps of paper whoosh on by as howls of whirlwind rattle my house, up on the hill, perched so high. And still I sit by this glassy old pane, and still I watch this chaotic game as light and wind and water reign over my house, my old, old house. And I do not care. For if it falls, I'll have nothing to lose And I almost hope for my house to choose to die this way proud and there till the end. But the rain, it slows as the clouds thin out. The sun breaks through with a triumphant shout, and patches of gold dot the ground, and all is well again. I close my curtain, and block out the light. I heave a sigh, my chest feels tight. A dull thudding, sore with time. The rain, it pains me much to believe that soon, it will come again Thanks for reading. -Kaledrina
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Best Answers: My poem. Read, please?

Zuph Zuph | 8 days ago
its fine scraps of paper seems a lil out of place though i dont know why that is pretty good
👍 124 | 👎 8
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Zuph Originally Answered: Please read my poem and tell me what u think?
This was a good read with great specific detail. I loved it. A couple of comments to hopefully help: Cloths should be Clothes. (you have two instances). I felt most at home in the small apartments of my friends then in my own house "then in my own home" is implied you can cut it. Maybe this minor tweak for the indie rock line instead: Lying face-down on my bed, indie rock blaring, with the shades pulled Maybe smooth this next section out I wonder why I hate my peers, my family, this darkness, knowledge that I don't belong, myself everything This is me not where I'm from Hey, just some thoughts here take what works ignore the rest. Really good poem. Edit: I missed your comment on punctuation (that can be a bit subjective so don't take this as gospel. I also did a few minor edits I hope you don't mind. Some of the line breaks will look weird because of YA just go with how you have them layed out. I am from poppies and sunshine, Jane Austin, Margret Mitchell, and Louisa May Alcott. told from birth to stay incognito, go with the flow, conform: learn the message of Ma Sarada Devi, Swami Vivekananda, and Sri Ramakrishna. I am from nice houses with big lawns surrounded by expected white picket fences. Inside, beds are made, and counters are spotless, toys put away, and clothes folded into drawers. Everyone is happy, positive, in love with themselves and life. I sit in the shadows with moss and fungus, wearing the black t-shirt I wore to school on white-out day, watching the lichen suck the life out of the trees, While I read Larry Niven, Orson Scott Card, George Orwell Pondering the ideas of Charles Darwin, Richard Dawkins, Ted Kaczynski, and Adolf Hitler. I feel most at home in the small apartments of my friends. My bed is never made, clothes and books litter my un-vacuumed floor. Lying face-down on my bed—indie rock blaring with the shades pulled— I wonder why I hate my peers, my family, this darkness, knowledge that I don’t belong, myself everything. This is me not where I’m from.
Zuph Originally Answered: Please read my poem and tell me what u think?
That replaced right into a sturdy poem. listed right here are some techniques: one million. Rhyme or do no longer, count on what poem you will write. 2. Write approximately something which you be attentive to 3. Write approximately something on your previous. 4. positioned song lyrics on your poem which you made. 5.and characteristic a helpful existence previous to you!
Zuph Originally Answered: Please read my poem and tell me what u think?
No, that's one of my favorite parts of the poem. But I think it's good stream of conciousness stuff. I sometimes feel like everyone else is happy but me also.

Solly Solly
amazing but id change some of the way u set up your stanzas because it doesnt flow that great how about changing the "and" in lines 7-9 to "so" and take out very from line 6
👍 40 | 👎 6

Solly Originally Answered: Could you read my poem please?
i feel in your lines that a great person has found u and that u want to keep him near. hes a ship wreck but yet beautiful in any way. he takes care of u your little voice in you ear. truely i dont think it needs to be fix its lovely how it is and the message gets across just fine

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