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Could you read my story?

Could you read my story? Topic: Table old suitcase side
July 24, 2019 / By Jeanetta
Question: Chapter 1 I walked into my house. It looked like the aftermath of a gigantic war. I could barely walk up the stairs, but I managed. I ran into my parent’s room. I found my mother sitting at the edge of her bed and she was crying. “Mama, what happened? Mama, what’s wrong and where’s Daddy?” “Megan, he’s dead.” I couldn’t believe it. My father, Michael Snow, dead. “Megan, let me tell you the story. Your father and I had gotten into a big fight over him always being late. Then, he told me he was having an affair. That was icing on the cake. Now, Megan, you know how I keep that 9 mil. Smith and Wesson under my pillow? Well, I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I, well… well…… I shot him.” “But Mama,” I asked. “Why is everything tossed carelessly around the house?” “Well, that was what happened during the fight. We just got so mad that we started to throw things around like crazy people.” Now I would have to live the rest of my life without a father. No more fishing trips, no more ... baseball games, no more family trips. But, most importantly, no more Dad. I had to call someone. But, who? I couldn’t call my friends because of gossip, I couldn’t call family. I had an idea, my teacher had told us that no matter what, we could call her……so I did. “Hello?” “Hi, is Nancy Kerrigen there?” “Yes, I’ll connect you to her.” “Thank you.” There was a 2 minute pause. “Hello, this is Nancy.” “Mrs. Kerrigen? This is Megan Snow.” “Well, hello Megan. Why are you calling me?” “Mrs. Kerrigen,” “You can call me Nancy.” “Nancy, I am having some serious family problems,” I breathed. “Like what?” Almost in a whisper I said, “My mama sshhhottt my daddy.” “Oh no. I’m so sorry. Is there any way I can help?” “Yes. Can you come get me? I can’t stay here now.” “Yes I’ll come get you, pack some clothes. You can stay here if you want.” “Mrs. K., you are so nice. Thank you. Bye.” “Good-bye.” So, there I sat, on my porch, suitcase full of clothes. Waiting for my homeroom... teacher to come rescue me from a horrible nightmare. Jinxy, my cat, was by my side. Mrs. Kerrigen drove up and stepped out of her silver Lexus. “Hi, Nancy.” “How are you, Megan?” “Could be better.” “Are you ready to go?” “Yes. Can I bring Jinxy?” “Jinxy?” “He’s my cat.” “Oh, sure.” So I put my stuff in her car. Then, we drove away. Chapter 2 When we got there, her house was 100 times cleaner than mine. She had dinner prepared… spaghetti with meatballs. “That’s my favorite meal. You remembered” “Yes I did. From your report.” We sat down at the dinner table and ate. It was the best I’d ever had. “So, Mrs. Kerrigen, where is Mr. Kerrigen?” I asked with my mouth full of spaghetti. “Mr. Kerrigen? He went on a business trip to Hawaii 3 days ago. He won’t be back for a month. I get really lonely when he is away. You know?” The question was replied with a great meow from Jinxy. We both laughed heartedly. “So, are you really scared?” she asked. “What do you mean?” “I mean, are you scared that your mom will go to jail?” “Sort of. I mean… you are the only person I have told.” “Oh. I thought you told others.” “Nope. Just you. I couldn’t tell anyone else. They would call the cops and my mom would go to prison. They would call the cops and my mom would go to prison. That would be the worst thing on Earth.” “Haven’t you ever thought that I would call the police?” My heart sank. I lost all hope. Never had I thought that she would call the cops. I ran out of her apartment. “Megan, wait! Please! Don’t go, let’s talk about this!” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I ran out of the building. It was like no one could stop me. My life was spiraling downward. Until I “bumped” (more like ran over) the cutest boy in the 10th grade. Michael Fairwall. “Hey, Megan. You nearly ran me over!” he said. “Sorry. I have a lot on my mind.” I walked in a slow, steady pace. Michael walked beside me. “Megan?” “Yes?” I said. “I’ve been noticing that you kind of been watching me lately.” “Same with me.” “Megan Snow?” “Yes, Michael Fairwall?” “Will you be my girlfriend?” he whispered in my ear. “Yes.” I whispered back. Chapter 3 I was holding hands with my new boyfriend on Park Avenue under trees with cherry blossoms. Life couldn’t get any better. But, wait! “What is that?! Is that a dog dead in the road?!” Michael yelled. We walked over to the road where the dog was. “Oh My God!” I screamed. “It’s my dog!!! Buddy, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “How did he get there? You live on 9th Avenue?” “I don’t know. He must have gotten out of my backyard!” I sobbed. “Let’s call the Animal Help Center. They’ll know what to do.” he said. We went to his house which was only about 2 blocks away and we called the Animal Help Center. 1-888-956-7426. That number is ingrained in my head. I wake up and that is one of the first things I think of. That number and 245-669-5721. The number that changed my life even further. Since, we called the Animal Help Center they came and picked up Buddy. Buddy was the only friend had ever had because no one understood me. We had to give Buddy the proper burial, in Michael’s backyard. No one would look there. “Are you feeling better, Megan?” “Somewhat. My dog is dead, so is my dad.” I can’t believe I said that to him. My life went down about 2 more feet. “Did you say your father was dead?” Unwillingly I said, “Yes, that’s what I said.” “Where is his body now?” “I have no clue. My mom just told me he was dead and that’s it.” Thank you so much. Tell me if I could do anything more descriptive or any others along those lines. I'm 10, so... what do you think? LovelyDea, where'd you get Sarah?
Best Answer

Best Answers: Could you read my story?

Fanni Fanni | 10 days ago
For a ten year old, this is ridiculously good. There are flaws, yes. The mom's description of shooting her husband seems... a bit off. It's a little too pat. She tells the story as if she were talking about getting a bad sandwhich at a restaurant. I think after murdering somebody with a gun, most people would be less calm than that. Or if they were calm, they'd be blank; they'd be emptied of everything. Keep writing. When you're an adult, and you've got another ten or twenty years under your belt, more experiences and practice at writing, you could produce something really worthwhile. Don't listen to Persiphone. Every time I see one of these questions, she's answered it, and she never has anything nice to say about anyone's writing. She just wants other people to feel as bad as she does. You could one day be a very good writer.
👍 128 | 👎 10
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Fanni Originally Answered: 15, writing a short story. Pls read this excerpt from my short story and tell me if its any good and how?
What Janey Lou said. You need to pay more attention to detail. Missing words, wrong punctuation and grammar mistakes can all be confusing to the reader and ruin their flow. Can air really be fresh AND humid? Would a six year old really know it was 3.30pm? Would he really think all those naughty words? Isn't a guy with only twenty-five percent eyesight going to be deeply affected by that? I'm quite surprised he just goes and gets a job and a room and doesn't mention it, or how he feels about it, again. I think you need to step into his shoes a little more. Ever heard the phrase "show, don't tell"? Instead of summarising what happened, you need to bring us in as close as possible to the characters and their feelings and experiences moment by moment. This is harder work and will take up more pages, but I guarantee it'll make better reading and help us engage with your characters better. Your biggest piece of summarising is this passage: "It took a while before somebody finally found me up at the roof. My savior had the heart and common sense to call for an ambulance. I was taken to the hospital and remained there for days. Waiting for my adoptive parents to come, but they never did. It wasn’t till years later when I found out that my step-dad murdered my step-mom, Katie, and Joe. After days of medical attention Dr. Levings, a kind man in his late sixties with a medical degree from Stanford, gave me the bad news. He told me I was close to being legally blind and that twenty-five percent of my eyesight should return." and in contrast to the passage where he's lying helpless on the roof, which is much more descriptive and 'in the moment', it's a real shame. Of course, you don't want to go over the whole six days moment by moment, but you can skip the parts which aren't so important and just show us key moments; perhaps his arrival at hospital and later, a conversation with the doctor. And the fact that the step-dad murdered the rest of the family is a bit out of the blue and offhand. Couldn't you give it more impact? Explain why? This is going to have a big effect on your character too. Of course, explanations may come later, but in that case I would do a bit more to build up suspense and mystery rather than blurt out such a big revelation and then ignore it for a few pages. I hope this helps. Your writing is generally good and the story has potential, but it takes practice to master any art! Keep it up, and good luck.

Cora Cora
For the age of ten, your book is very inspired, however I do suggest some more conflict and explanation. And really, technically I think you need more reality. A school teacher is barely allowed to pick up a child from her home. A mother would not keep a 9 mil. Smith and Wesson under her pillow. Life would not get back to normal so quickly, just because a boy becomes a boyfriend. And truthfully, the dog part is a little cheesy and I think you should explain that more. I mean, if the mom is in jail, shouldn't child care services have gone to Ms. Snow? And shouldn't the police have seized their belongings. Add more explanation to everything in your story. You have a wonderful basis! Maybe add in a scene at the beginning where Megan walks in and sees that her dad has been e-mailing another woman, and asks her out on a date! And then you could explain that Sarah's mom used to be a criminal and illegally bought her gun. And then you could add a greater twist where Megan's teacher was the person that Megan's dad was cheating with! And maybe add a few more scenes with the boy! Good LUCK!!! You're doing great!!! LOL! Sorry about the Sarah thing! I'm reading another book right now and the main character is named Sarah!
👍 40 | 👎 7

Bertred Bertred
It's all right for a ten year old. Keep practising and you could be great one day : ) If it's tips for improvement you want, I'd suggest taking a little more time over it. The things that engage a reader are suspense and emotion, so take things a little slower and reveal them gradually to build up suspense, and include more of what the point-of-view character is thinking and feeling as these shocking things happen to her. The reader wants to feel close to the main character. Good luck!
👍 31 | 👎 4

Africa Africa
your story is good but the plot moves along way to fast . first you dad is dead then you live with your teacher next thing you no you got a boyfriend and a dead dog. add alot more details inbetween these huge events and it will sound better. good luck!
👍 22 | 👎 1

Thurston Thurston
Man u really are a mature ten year old. Sending Persi a letter like that? Persi helps a lot of people. She has kids now she has helped who have agents and are publishing. She met them here and helped them FREE. She helped me. I read what she told you and she was right. She didn't say anything nasty. She was just telling you what she would tell any of us. Get off your high horse and smell the coffee chicky. You need help just like everybody does. You ain't Hemingway. So stop writing people nasty letters. Your story needs a lot of work and Persi wasn't the only one who said that so how come she was the only one who got a rude letter from you. Welcome to Persi's Banned Camp. I blocked you too smarty pants. It is you who needs a life. Do you know who Persi is? Guess not. Too bad for you. U got 3 fans. Persi has over 650. You lose. I know why you really love pie too. @@
👍 13 | 👎 -2

Quinn Quinn
Its good but I suggest working on your first sentence..The hook needs to be AMAZING. "I walked into my house" is not a gripping hook. However it has good potential. Keep writing and do not let others discourage.
👍 4 | 👎 -5

Manley Manley
wow i do not know what to say? you are only ten you could grow up to be a story writer but i can say it needs a tittle and it was to sudden for the boy to ask if you would be his girlfriend.
👍 -5 | 👎 -8

Manley Originally Answered: Would You Read This Story?
That sounds so interesting! I love the originality of the idea. I mean there are thousands of Apocalypse books, but the whole Death-being-turned-into-teenager thing is just awesome! I would definitely read that For the Lifeguard's name I use common names, something guys would think is hot: Ellen Katie Erin Lauren Something common and modern Please write it and let me know what you do with it (I'll read it for sure) Good luck!

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