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Story! PLease read a brief minute! two points if you read?

Story! PLease read a brief minute! two points if you read? Topic: How to write as well as in a sentence
July 23, 2019 / By Heath
Question: I am writing a story and I want you to tell me what you think. Here are the characters: Vanessa (girl) 19 Corey (boy) 17 Allison (girl) 14 Alexander (boy) 14 Elisabeth (girl) 12 Isabella (girl) 11 Jacob (boy) 9 And here the story is: One Mistake Made, What You Pay For It Allison sat on the bed, thinking of what she just saw. Allison was the third oldest of seven children aged from nineteen through nine. Questions swirled her mind as she thought more of it. She thought to herself why did I let this happen to me. She decided to tell her older sister Vanessa about it. Her sister would know what to do about it. She was nineteen and, out of high school, and into her first year of college. She walked to from her room to her sister’s door, she knocked and said. “Hey V, can I come in.” Allison said. “Sure,” she hollered not looking up from her studies. Allison opened the door. She went in and sat on the bed. “Can we talk about something?” Vanessa looked up from her work she was doing and said, “Sure, what do you want?” “Well, I need to tell you something, but you can’t tell mom or anyone, you promise?” She said looking around the room. “O.K, shoot for it.” “Well I don’t know how to tell you or anyone else this but, uh, I made a mistake a-a-and,” she didn’t finish the sentence, for her sister butted in. “Allison, no you can’t be, please tell me you’re not.” Vanessa said shaking her head. By this time Allison was in tears when she told her sister this. “I wish, but I am going to be, I’m pregnant.” She strained to say the last two words. “Allison how could you?” she said fiercely, while getting up. “I don’t know, I was pressured into doing it, it was an accident.” She said getting up to get a tissue. “Accidents like this don’t happen. They are made on purpose. What were you thinking? Oh I’ll tell you what you were thinking; you thought if you did this it would ease your problems in life. Well Allison it doesn’t ok. How could you let this happen when your only fourteen, couldn’t you wait until you were married or at least till you were older. This is going to effect your whole life, our life. Mom is a single woman, dad isn’t here anymore. How do you expect us to do financially with seven kids and one parent and one more baby in the house? You’re going to be a mother at fourteen and you’re only in ninth grade and just starting high school. When did this happen?” Vanessa was calming her voice after the last sentence was made. “Well about almost about three months ago,” Allison said. “Three months ago? You mean you’re already twelve weeks. Very soon your body is going to under go dramatic changes. Like morning sickness, sleepiness, and your stomach is going to grow larger. And when do you expect mom to find out about this. And what kind of role model are you going to set for Elisabeth and Isabella; you’re two years older than Elisabeth and three years older than Isabella. What kind of big sister are you going to be to them, when you’re pregnant at fourteen? Do you expect them to be a mother at your age too?” She looked down at the ground when the question was put on her. A tear ran down her cheek when she said, “I guess no.” “Look, Allison, I am sorry for yelling at you, ok. I want to know who the father of this baby is?” Vanessa said as she sat down holding her hand. “Well, he is a tenth grader, Cole Wells” “Is he going to be in the baby’s life, have you told him you were pregnant with his baby? And how did this come to happen? Vanessa said releasing her hand to get a tissue for Allison, who has now quit sobbing. “Well, I haven’t told him about the baby. How it happened?” “Yes, I want to know how it happened!” “Well in the summer my friend, Hannah, had a party and well I met Cole and it sorda just took off from their.” “Took off from their. Why didn’t you wait till you were married? O.k. I want ask you anymore I see that you are getting sensitive to this. Well anyways, how do you expect to tell mom about this problem you have created now?” “I don’t know. I guess some how or I can just let her guess about the pregnancy.” Allison replied to the question. “Al, you can’t just let her guess about it. You need help with the pregnancy, you can’t do this alone!” She said getting agitated. “I won’t be alone I have you and Cole.” “Allison you can’t trust a guy who made you pregnant, who didn’t even want you to become with child, plus you haven’t even told him about the pregnancy.” “And why not? We could have been planning to anyways.” She answered feisty. “What? Why would you two plan on becoming parents at age fourteen and fifteen? Do you not get it you’re fourteen, you’re pregnant at FOURTEEN!” Vanessa said fiercely. Allison could tell Vanessa was getting angrier as Allison could tell Vanessa was getting angrier as she talked to her. Allison felt something swell inside her body. The swelling inside got bigger; finally it was in her throat, like a lump. She felt as if she was going to throw up. “Vanessa is it normal to feel something,” Allison didn’t finish her sentence. She jumped up and ran to the bathroom. When she got there she threw her hands over the toilet and threw up in it. Minutes past till finally she felt as if she could stand up. Vanessa went to the bathroom door, knocked, and said in a calm voice, “Alli, can I come in now?” Allison got herself up and opened the door. She walked past Vanessa without even putting an eye on her. Allison went to her room and sat their. Ways to tell her mom filled her head. She got up and sat at her computer. Allison could tell Vanessa was getting angrier as she talked to her. Allison felt something swell inside her body. The swelling inside got bigger; finally it was in her throat, like a lump. She felt as if she was going to throw up. “Vanessa is it normal to feel something,” Allison didn’t finish her sentence. She jumped up and ran to the bathroom. When she got there she threw her hands over the toilet and threw up in it. Minutes past till finally she felt as if she could stand up. Vanessa went to the bathroom door, knocked, and said in a calm voice, “Alli, can I come in now?” Allison got herself up and opened the door. She walked past Vanessa without even putting an eye on her. Allison went to her room and sat their. Ways to tell her mom filled her head. She got up and sat at her computer. Dear Mom, You are the best mom I have ever had. You love me through hard times and good times. Well this time is going to be a hard one. I hope you still love me, through this and after. I need to tell you this before you guess. Mom, I made a mistake and I am taking action for it. I hope you still love me and the child inside me. It isn’t easy for me to tell you this but, I am going to become a mother. Mom, I am pregnant. Love, Your soon to be mother, Allison. Before she hit the send button, Vanessa walked in the room. Allison saved the draft she had for her mother. “So, Al, I am sorry for yelling at you.” Her sister apologized. “That is ok,” Allison replied back. “Anyways, I guess you don’t feel as well as you could have been, just a minute ago in the bathroom.” Vanessa said setting on the bed. Allison got up and moved to the computer desk and replied, “Well, I was planning to tell mom through email, here come and read it.” A tear streamed down Allison’s face as she said, “Vanessa, I don’t want to have a baby at this age. I can’t take care of it. I want to be a normal teenager, with a normal life. I can’t take the throwing up, the back pain, the stomach pain; it hurts so bad, I can’t take it anymore.” She said as she began to cry now. Vanessa got up and gave her sister a hug. They both went back to sit on the bed. “Look, I hate to say this but, you made this situation, and I going to help you out of it. But mom, I, Corey, Alexander, Elisabeth, Isabella, and Jacob will be here for you, through the pain and the suffering, thick and thin. You won’t be alone, got it.” Allison looked up and said, “Promise?” “Well, I know I promise.” Allison had quite crying and giggled as her sister said that. “See, you’re going to have laughs still, enjoy the pregnancy, you don’t have to take care of the baby just yet. So, how are you planning to tell mom, and the others?” her sister said.
Best Answer

Best Answers: Story! PLease read a brief minute! two points if you read?

Elimelech Elimelech | 1 day ago
I can see u've tried to drive in a moral point here. Well done one that! But it would have been better if u also included how the boy who go the girl pregnant also needs to be included in the future baby as well as the girl's pregnancy. No matter how young, if u think u r old enough to have sex, u r old enough to take big responsibilities. I'm no expert, but to me, the writing style seems readable, flowing and nice. Mind some of the spellings, though. Also, a small factual error- at 12 weeks of pregnancy, u dont tell a person "u WILL be getting morning sickness". Morning sickness starts at the beginning of pregnancy and usually resolves by 12 weeks, Also, more than the throwing up and abdominal pains, the process of labour is going to hurt her millions of times more! All the best to u and ur writing! :)
👍 190 | 👎 1
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We found more questions related to the topic: How to write as well as in a sentence


Elimelech Originally Answered: Help please? Read the first chapter of my story? 10 points?
I thought the narrator said "I know you’re here… I know you are.” I didn't realize it was something she was hearing. Just move that sentence into the paragraph that starts "Her deranged mutters ...", like this: "I know you’re here… I know you are.” Her deranged mutters ... "Mum" is distracting. I'd prefer "Mom". Are you in the UK? The present tense makes it seem like a flashback. Other than that, the story flows nicely. I like the style and language, and the dialog isn't bad. I hope by the end of the second chapter we'll have an idea of where the story is going and find out what the genre of the story is. If you didn't already say that the mother isn't coming back, you might have hooked us with wondering if she was. So, we'll need another hook too, and soon. Great job. Keep going!

Chas Chas
In the first two sentences you started with the same word, Allison.Reword the sentences so that it's not repetitive.To much dialogue, not enough details about what's going on around them. Dialogue is to forced. Her sisters lines seem so fake, and preachy. Ex.) "Mom is a single woman"- why would she say it like that? Ex.) "Very soon your body is going to under go dramatic changes"- She's talking like a Health teacher Ex.) "....you’re two years older than Elisabeth and three years older than Isabella."- She would know that, her sister wouldn't have to say it. Right there, you are trying to give the reader information, but it doesn't sound right in the story. Just have her say something about her younger sisters looking up to her. Also, you used their, when you meant there.( "“Well in the summer my friend, Hannah, had a party and well I met Cole and it sorda just took off from their.” “Took off from their. Why didn’t you wait till you were married?" ). After her sister says "Took off from there, I think it would be a question mark, not a period. Just a suggestion: Don't post so much of your story on here, you should never have to add more by posting "Additional Details" in your questions. It's to long then, and people will get bored. I didn't read past the first Additional detail.
👍 80 | 👎 -3

Alvie Alvie
I like the emotional feel I got from reading it, but how did Vanessa just KNOW she was pregnant? And she started talking to Allison like a medical doctor would, explain all of the symptoms and stuff. Not very realisitic. But I do like the story, and where it could lead. Very good, overall. Keep writing.
👍 80 | 👎 -7

Thomasin Thomasin
WOW! i love it. i think it's really good but u need more description. plus when the sister said “Three months ago? You mean you’re already twelve weeks. =Very soon your body is going to under go dramatic changes. Like morning sickness, sleepiness, and your stomach is going to grow larger.= then she goes and throws up. its a bit cofusing and i suggest u change it. GOOD LUCK!
👍 80 | 👎 -11

Rosasharn Rosasharn
It's good, it needs a little more suspense. Like when she tells the baby's father and what he does. Or her mom wants her to get an abortion, but she is against that so she says she'll run away before she does that.
👍 80 | 👎 -15

Rosasharn Originally Answered: Can someone read my short story? 10 points?
Honestly? It's trite and pointless. And silly. His "revelation" is ridiculous. There's a ton of false, pretentious "poetic" descriptions in it that really don't work because it's obvious that they've been thrown in there to make the work seem more "thoughtful" than it really is. When your character laughs at his own jokes then he is a narcissist. You really need to focus on your grammar and spelling, as well as formatting. Make sure you spell out numbers. You shouldn't write "He had 9 dollars", but "He had nine dollars." The dialogue when he's speaking to himself is bad. It makes him seem like he's read one too many fortune cookies, and can now only converse with himself in fortune cookie verse. Focus on observing the way that real people speak, and alter your dialogue accordingly.

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