Originally Answered: Is this essay good? Plz give me some comments,some improvements and the IELTS band score for this essay?
> SHOULD FOOD MANUFACTURERS BE FORCE
Wrong verb form: it should be 'forced'.
> Nowadays, junk food is gradually becoming a specific part of daily life
I think it was always 'specific'. A more to the point word like 'important', 'basic' or 'constant' is better for the essay purpose.
> Eating much of these foods causes obesity and premature death; especially foods with high fat
Two uses of 'foods' very close to each other. I suggest replacing one of them by a pronoun.
> In this essay, I intend to show that food manufacturers need to be forced to ...
IMO, a good essay should speak for itself, so the 28 words you use to close the paragraph could be replaced by something more original.
> what is good for their body.
'...their bodies', actually :) For those cases, if unsure, use adjectives, for example: 'what is good on a corporal level'.
> why should the food manufacturers be forced to lower the fat, sugar and salt?
You're recycling too much IMO.
> The government does not need to make the decision...
Unless somebody said the government 'needs' to make that decision, there's no reason for you to state that (i.e. you don't need it, funnily enough). I think something like 'isn't supposed to make the decision' or 'can't afford making the decision' is better.
> For example, people would eat more than a sausage if the salt and fat content has reduced because they are not satisfied with these tasteless sausages.
While there are no grammatical errors, the way you phrase this part is a bit rookie. Suggested revision: 'For example, a low-fat low-salt sausage would hardly satisfy consumers, so they'd try to compensate by increasing their intake.'
> Thus, forcing food manufacturers to lower the fat, sugar and salt content in food may induce people to eat more.
You're spinning 'round too much IMO.
> young or old alike.
Suggested revision: 'young and old alike'. Reasons: it avoids a gratuitous alliteration ('or old') and emphasises the warning nature of the essay.
> children being overweight result from taking excessive junk food.
This one's not correct. Suggested revisions: '... overweight, a result from...' or '...overweight resulting from...'
> Therefore, forcing manufacturers to lower the fat, sugar and salt content in food is necessary.
Again, you're repeating yourself too much.
> When you eat a poor diet with all kinds of junk food
You don't eat a diet, you either 'eat all kinds of junk food' or 'have a poor diet with all kinds of junk food'.
> Furthermore, having unhealthy food causes premature deaths.
There's nothing wrong in 'having' unhealthy food, unless you're 'eating' it as well ;) Of course, 'having unhealthy meals' does work very well here.
513 words all in all, which is a bit too much for IELTS (you're good to go with half of it), but both grammar and fluency are sound. I'd give you a 7 band or maybe a 7.5.