What to do when parents take money for their special needs child and spend it on themselves?
Topic: A research on child abuse
June 17, 2019 / By Avis Question:
My friends' 3 & 1/2 year old son was diagnosed with autism 6 months ago. They are military, so medical bills and therapy are all provided for. They have also received a lump sum of money for the government for the care of a special needs child.
They have spent this money on the following in the last few weeks: 3 tattoos and 1 piercing between the two parents, shopping for clothes and shoes for the parents (mostly the mother), new cell phones for both parents, a cruise for a parents, decor for the home and eating out every day. They have bought the child a small amount of clothing because he's started school and 1 Diego toy. They have traded up for a nicer minivan.
They have not: read anything about autism, researched autism, made any changes to the home to accommodate their child's autism or made any changes to their behavior. Stay-at-home mom has never been to a therapy session. When the child is "bad," he is disciplined with yelling and an occasional slap. Mom will grab his face and scream, "I don't understand why you don't listen to mommy!"
They have made no effort to buy new toys for the child since he already has everything a stagnant 18 month old mind needs (his developmental level). They aren't interested in introducing art or music. He's in front of baby TV from sun up to sun down. He lives off of pizza and hot dogs.
I feel badly for judging friends and being as I have no kids of my own, I think who am I to judge parents... but this is a little ridiculous...... RIGHT!?!? To spend this money they got because they have a special needs child on materialistic things for themselves. They cry "oh, my baby has autism," but they don't want to do that work to be active parents in this.
What can I do though?? Please only answer if you have kids, know anything about autism or childhood education or something similar. I've already heard from the childless know-it-all masses. :)
Good point, but when 90% of the money is spent on material goods that parents could never have afforded without this money, that seems a little too much. Without getting into their personal details, they are practically dead beats cruising and shopping on our tax money which they only received because they have a special needs child. Then they give no special care to the child. If they did more for the boy, I would have no problem with this. I've asked a lot of people and you the only person who has stood up for them.
Sounds like you are okay with parents neglecting their kids. I'll bet you buy fancy sneakers and get your nails did while your kids play in the dirt in torn up clothes. That's not abuse though, so why should I care? I'm not part of this society, am I?
I live there. I moved out because I was discusted with them.
Best Answers: What to do when parents take money for their special needs child and spend it on themselves?
Abigayle | 8 days ago
There's nothing you can do.
My oldest receives a disability check. We applied for it to cover his "non-essential" therapy. Some people use the money to help pay bills, as the child needs housing or food as well. Some people use it to purchase toy and clothing for their child. And some people spend it on tattoos and cruises. Would I do it? No. Do I think it's right? Personally I don't. What can be done? Nothing.
Even though the money is for the child, no one can say for sure where it's going. If their bills are being paid and the child is being fed, they can just say they used the money for him and their personal income for themselves. That may be a lie, it may be true (I'm not sure exactly how privy you are to their income.) There's really no way to prove one way or another.
The fact that they have not researched Autism leads me to assume that their child is not in any major programs, other than what is required to get benefits. Though you can't force them to change that, perhaps you can try talking to them again.
One program that may be helpful is respite care. The fact that she is getting frustrated enough to scream on what I'm assuming is a fairly regular basis could mean she is stressed out. Raising a child with Autism can be difficult, and if you're new to it, extremely stressful. The divorce rate and depression rates among parents of Autistic children are higher than the "norm" as a result. I'd hate to see your friend get overwhelmed to that point. It may even be that the spending of large quantities of money is symptomatic of stress. Think chocolate ice cream for the blues times 10. Respite care would give them a break. A care provider with training and experience would look after the child, in their own home, for a few hours or even a day. I shunned the idea of respite for my son, thinking I would be pawning my child off on someone else, but a couple of years ago I allowed it. He went and played with kids "like him" for a couple of hours a day a couple days a week. I came to realize it was no different than most parents getting a sitter, only my sitter had the needed training. Respite would give them time to decompress, and that alone may improve their parenting skills.
They also need to check into getting a service coordinator. These people are a gift from God. They will hold their hands through the entire Autism process. Finding a doctor, both in home and outpatient therapists, social skill play groups, support groups, further evaluation, etc. It would give them a lot of resources that could help them manage all of this better than they are.
I don't want to judge them or criticize their parenting, because it could just be stress and fear, two emotions that are expected soon after having a child Dx'd on the spectrum. I hope this helps.
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Originally Answered: What to spend money on?
if you dont have one, buy a nice dock for your iPod. It has been the best thing ive ever bought for me and i LOVE it. Also i know this isnt really funn but try putting some away into savings, even if its just $100. Maybe take some friends on a trip to the mall and go get lunch and a movie and shop. Make sure u take lots of funn pics cuz you guys will love to look at them when you get into high school. Hope this helps and have tons of fun :D
I think when a child (off spring)young or old deserves to be taken care of . This may require direct expense to said "child" and indirect expense to said "child" as long as it allows a comfortable life style. Even putting something aside for them if they are older is good ,fair use of funds. But I do not agree with people who spend it on themselves,on others,on parties,gambling,drugs,etc.,etc.
👍 60 | 👎 4
Zorro, I think you missed the point on this one.
The extra money being allocated to them is to be used to help the child. Perhaps for use with special educators, special programs, different care. Otherwise why should they get extra money?
I think they should be held accountable for those funds. They should have to show how it has been used, and provide receipts.
You might be able to report them. Someone might start asking questions, and holding them accountable.
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punch em in the mouth. spending that money on tattoos and is clothes outrageous and they may need that money for something more important in the long run and not be able to pay for it because they were spending it on stupid stuff. i could see if they spent the money on gas and the house and other bills that needed to be paid but i think that the parents are low down for that.
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What is this need that people have that makes them think child support or support in anyway should explicitly be spent on the child. Should they have a special bank account where they only buy the childs food, clothes from? How much do you charge the child for rent? Gas? Get real it is a way to subsidize their life, where they spend the actual dollar they are given is pointless...
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Originally Answered: Spend money or not?
I suppose it comes down to how well you understand your boyfirend's issue with gifts. Is it a matter of money? Would he just rather see you save your money for something he perceives more valuable? If so, then do something for hime or make something for him that shows you care and understand him. Perhaps write him a nice poem or frame a picture of the two of you yourself, decorating it with things that are special to the two of you.
Alternatively, it could be financial pressure on his part. Perhaps he is afraid to take gifts because he feels he does not have the means to give you what he thinks you deserve. In this case, take the pressure off of him and show that you are not materialistic. Make him a special dinner for Christmas or make extra time to be together and exchange thoughts and words rather than items. Maybe you could help him out with something he has wanted to do, but is not as good at as you - perhaps painting a room togteher, or something like that.
Another alternative could be commitment issues. Perhaps he sees that gifts symbolize some level of relationship commitment he is not ready for or afraid of based on past relationships. In this case, you just need to talk it out and see that your expectations of the relationship are the same as his.
Think about your boyfriend and try to piece together what the underlying issue is. Even better, talk about it openly and hionestly and I'm sure you'll find the right solution to your gift dilema.