Originally Answered: What Do You Think Of My Story Do I Need To Make Changes?
I didn't write this to discourage you or tear you down, but to show what needs fixing! Please don't take this the wrong way! I want to see people become better authors, and this is the only way I know how to do it.
I see that there are definitely a lot of changes to be made, mostly in the area of grammar. Remember, even the best story is no good if grammar rules are ignored. For instance, when someone speaks, they finish with a period, or an exclamation point (unless they're asking a question, which you seem to know about already), like this: "My name is Jane." "Your name is Jane? No way! I have a sister named Jane! You should come visit her." Failing to use the period will result in the reader thinking everyone is speaking is monotone.
Next point: plot. Okay, let me see if I got this right. Kate, age 15, is watching a TV show when someone knocks at the door. She answers it. It's a man in his 20's who says his name is Skyblu from Laughing My ****ing A** Off. (You do know that's what LMFAO stands for, right?)
That's where I got confused. Why on earth is this guy's name Skyblu? Why is his institution called "LMFAO?" I might understand it if his name is Skyler Blue, called Sky for short. But unless he is a secret agent, and his institution houses quite a few jokers, those names are just...not right. Then it goes on to say that he's wearing sunglasses, yet Kate can see his eyes? Remember the structure!
But back to the plot. Kate invites the stranger Skyblu into her house, and introduces him to her family. Then all action and any semblance of movement come to a screeching halt while Kate describes each and every one of her family members in detail. Just so you know, that whole paragraph belongs at the beginning of the story, if anywhere at all.
Again, back to the plot. Kate invites total stranger Skyblu to her BEDROOM and starts asking him about his favorite things as if he's a 5-year-old. Then he says he'd like a kiss. Now Kate is surprised, and goes downstairs, leaving her guest alone in her bedroom twiddling his thumbs, so that she can talk to her parents about this. Her parents aren't even surprised that a complete stranger (and adult man) wants to kiss their underage daughter, and suggest that "maybe he likes her." She says "well, maybe he does" and goes back upstairs, where she gets a peck on the cheek.
Now, maybe it's just me, but what she does next seems really juvenile. She goes in the bathroom and calls a friend, telling her that she just got kissed on the cheek. Her friend reacts like Kate was just proposed to and practically asks, "when's the wedding?"
After this interlude, Kate goes back into her room and tells Skyblu that she called her friend and told her that he kissed her. He's cool with it. Then they happily sit in the garden, playing "chases" with Kate's nephew.
Now that I've condensed your story, I see quite a few more things that don't make sense. Why is Skyblu there in the first place? Is he stalking Kate? Why does Kate act like a 9-year-old, giggling and telling her friends and parents every little thing that happens to her? I mean, if I were a 15-year-old girl and a random good-looking stranger came to the door, the LAST thing I would do is invite him to my bedroom for a talk ALONE. For one thing, my bedroom's a mess. Second, does anything about that situation sound a little dangerous to anyone but me?
Overall, the story lacks structure, as if you sat at your computer and wrote everything down as it occurred to you, without cutting and pasting paragraphs to their appropriate sections. It needs a lot of grammar fixes and sentence tightening, and a few dialogue tags (to indicate who's talking) won't kill anyone.
Now what you need to understand is that first drafts are usually no good. That's what second, and third, and tenth drafts are for. So get a parent, teacher, or trusted friend to help you proofread, revise, and catch those little mistakes, and your story will be 10 times better! Good luck! :)