Would this make a ok story?

Would this make a ok story? Topic: Both handed writing a check
June 17, 2019 / By Berlin
Question: Ok I wrote this other story, though I didn't get a title into mind yet. This is the story. Regular city girl? I don’t think so. If you are thinking a regular city girl can’t do much, well you’re wrong.. I bet you figured it out already. I’m a agent. Shocking, huh? Who would think a straight A student who wants be a doctor can do this? Well it all happened when I was figuring out how to unlock a laptop with important details and tried to escape when the owner came. Somehow they were watching me, catching all my awkward jump out the window and hanging on a grappling hook.. That was it, a dare from a boy who thought I couldn’t do it. When I got to the ground, two burly persons wearing black grabbed my hand tightly. “What’s your name?” guy #2 asked. “ A-ana Lee,” I stuttered. “Come with us,” guy #1 said. They walked faster than me. There I was, trying to keep up with them. They soon came to a door with bolts and locks after the wall slided up from underground. I gulped, feeling nervous. What can they do to me? Am I going to a underground jail which I can’t escape? I looked at both of their faces. No expression, just looking straiht. Wouldn’t you just give me one clue? I thought. All the bolts and locks were opening after they typed the secret password. I looked at it, trying to find out what it is. They opened the door making a metal sound. Then they dragged me in. Inside, there was more people wearing black suits only some girls wearing something else. Two other teens were standing by the side of the door. This is as far I got. Can you help me name a title for it and say if this story is ok or not? Ok they were holding her hand tightly. If she tried to fight,they would just win and still get her to go the door. Thanks medow! I may should just write more,but i don't feel like it now. Maybe tommorrow or later. this is just a story not checked or anything. don't take it too seriously when i make a mistake.
Best Answer

Best Answers: Would this make a ok story?

Adrie Adrie | 4 days ago
its not bad at all. but please dont take this offensively when i say it, but it sounds like you were add when you wrote it. the ideas jump around a lot. it could also use a little less of ana lee thinking, and more in just the details. it would also help if if wasnt one enormous paragraph. for names...consider: dare the city access good luck!
👍 256 | 👎 4
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Adrie Originally Answered: What Do You Think Of My Story Do I Need To Make Changes?
I didn't write this to discourage you or tear you down, but to show what needs fixing! Please don't take this the wrong way! I want to see people become better authors, and this is the only way I know how to do it. I see that there are definitely a lot of changes to be made, mostly in the area of grammar. Remember, even the best story is no good if grammar rules are ignored. For instance, when someone speaks, they finish with a period, or an exclamation point (unless they're asking a question, which you seem to know about already), like this: "My name is Jane." "Your name is Jane? No way! I have a sister named Jane! You should come visit her." Failing to use the period will result in the reader thinking everyone is speaking is monotone. Next point: plot. Okay, let me see if I got this right. Kate, age 15, is watching a TV show when someone knocks at the door. She answers it. It's a man in his 20's who says his name is Skyblu from Laughing My ****ing A** Off. (You do know that's what LMFAO stands for, right?) That's where I got confused. Why on earth is this guy's name Skyblu? Why is his institution called "LMFAO?" I might understand it if his name is Skyler Blue, called Sky for short. But unless he is a secret agent, and his institution houses quite a few jokers, those names are just...not right. Then it goes on to say that he's wearing sunglasses, yet Kate can see his eyes? Remember the structure! But back to the plot. Kate invites the stranger Skyblu into her house, and introduces him to her family. Then all action and any semblance of movement come to a screeching halt while Kate describes each and every one of her family members in detail. Just so you know, that whole paragraph belongs at the beginning of the story, if anywhere at all. Again, back to the plot. Kate invites total stranger Skyblu to her BEDROOM and starts asking him about his favorite things as if he's a 5-year-old. Then he says he'd like a kiss. Now Kate is surprised, and goes downstairs, leaving her guest alone in her bedroom twiddling his thumbs, so that she can talk to her parents about this. Her parents aren't even surprised that a complete stranger (and adult man) wants to kiss their underage daughter, and suggest that "maybe he likes her." She says "well, maybe he does" and goes back upstairs, where she gets a peck on the cheek. Now, maybe it's just me, but what she does next seems really juvenile. She goes in the bathroom and calls a friend, telling her that she just got kissed on the cheek. Her friend reacts like Kate was just proposed to and practically asks, "when's the wedding?" After this interlude, Kate goes back into her room and tells Skyblu that she called her friend and told her that he kissed her. He's cool with it. Then they happily sit in the garden, playing "chases" with Kate's nephew. Now that I've condensed your story, I see quite a few more things that don't make sense. Why is Skyblu there in the first place? Is he stalking Kate? Why does Kate act like a 9-year-old, giggling and telling her friends and parents every little thing that happens to her? I mean, if I were a 15-year-old girl and a random good-looking stranger came to the door, the LAST thing I would do is invite him to my bedroom for a talk ALONE. For one thing, my bedroom's a mess. Second, does anything about that situation sound a little dangerous to anyone but me? Overall, the story lacks structure, as if you sat at your computer and wrote everything down as it occurred to you, without cutting and pasting paragraphs to their appropriate sections. It needs a lot of grammar fixes and sentence tightening, and a few dialogue tags (to indicate who's talking) won't kill anyone. Now what you need to understand is that first drafts are usually no good. That's what second, and third, and tenth drafts are for. So get a parent, teacher, or trusted friend to help you proofread, revise, and catch those little mistakes, and your story will be 10 times better! Good luck! :)

Thady Thady
She's so smart that she willingly followed two big burly strangers...okay. In my opinion, that is not smart at all. Unless that is what young smart city girls like to do. Even then, it's still not something that I would consider a smart person to do. Smart people would at least try to find out what the strangers want first before following them to who knows where. But to answer your first question, yes, it would make an okay story. I know you aren't done writing it yet, so things are bound to change. As for a title, you should hold off on it for now. Or you can just title it Project A, because it's something that you're working on.
👍 110 | 👎 0

Premyslas Premyslas
A couple of the sentences have an 'a' that should be 'an.' Remember; if the word after the a/an starts with a vowel, it's 'an.' Otherwise, it's an 'a.' If you write something like a/an herb, though, you're stuck. I'm still trying to figure out if it should be an 'a' because it starts with an H, or 'an' because it's pronounced as if it started with a vowel. :( Why'd I get thumbs-down? I'm only trying to offer constructive feedback! T-T If you ask about whether or not it's okay, you can't expect to just be showered with compliments.
👍 107 | 👎 -4

Malach Malach
properly you defined the antagonist(s) all you desire is a van Helsing variety hero and a plot and a putting, plus talk that suits the time- futuristic sci-fi delusion or Steam Punk or cutting-part-day. you may desire to be careful what you consume, too plenty undercooked beef is undesirable for you. have you ever had the dream the place you ought to fly, or run swifter than the wind or pushed a motor vehicle the place the brakes do no longer artwork? Off you bypass, commence writing, all your individual words, characters names etc.
👍 104 | 👎 -8

Jephtha Jephtha
What? That wasn't really good I couldn't tell where the story started. And it was short and skimpy of details and not well written. It was kind of cluttered and confusing. No offense you should get farther into it and then post it, make it slower and neater and more details. It is probably really good.
👍 101 | 👎 -12

Jephtha Originally Answered: Help me to make a story?
1) decide what practical joke the teenager is about to play. 2) who will be his/her victim. 3) where will the prank take place. 4) then make a decision about how the other people fit into the story. (write down all these decisions on a piece of paper). The story... 1) set the scene (explain where it is happening). 2) introduce your main people. 3) add conflict (the prank). 4) the conclusion (what happens to the victim and the prankster). I hope that helps you, it is only showing you the steps you should take to prepare and what to include. It's important that you write the story yourself. If some one else writes it for you, the teacher will notice, coz different writers use language in a different way. But if you approach it logically, as I've suggested, you should be able to make something out of the situation.

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