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Could You Read My Essay?

Could You Read My Essay? Topic: Writing opinion essays third grade
July 21, 2019 / By Carin
Question: A am writing an essay for Honors English. Only 25 people can be selected out of our grade to be in this class. We will be selected based upon our essays. Mine isn't finished yet, but could you edit it and tell me what you think? If you have any ideas on anything to add, that would be great, too. The opportunity to be in Honors English stands out to me. This opportunity appeals to me because I often find myself wishing for more complicated tasks in communication arts and reading. The simplicity of our assignments tends to bore me. I would enjoy more complicated assignments because I always like to challenge myself. I have very high standards for my own academic success. I am also attracted to this opportunity because I am aware that the students in Honors English will be hard working and attentive. I notice the lack of respect for education in a large percentage of our student body. These students do not exactly distract me; I just do not understand their lack of respect. I would enjoy being with other students who I can share intelligent ideas and opinions with. I am aware that Honors English may require extensive amounts of work. This does not pose as a problem to me, for I am able to sort my priorities wisely and organize my time well. As a member of the Oak Grove Eighth Grade Band and middle school Science Olympiad team, I am often counted on to be prompt and prepared. I am also expected to work well with others and work effectively in groups. I do not fail to meet these expectations. I do have it better organized, the indentions of my paragraphs just didn't paste right. The second paragraph starts at the addition of details, and the third paragraph starts with : I am aware that Honors English may require extensive amounts of work. I apologize if it is hard to read.
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Best Answers: Could You Read My Essay?

Anabella Anabella | 1 day ago
It's sounding goo the me, the first prt you put you share a lot of reasons and you back them up like when you talk about the teams and clubs you're on. if you had to change anything , the few sentences are put in a little weird form. I don't really know how to explain it. You're saying i want to be in the honors class. The honors class appeals to me... like you're kind of not letting it flow, if you know what I mean. If I were you I would put it this way: the oppurtunity of being in the Honors english really stands out to. What I find most intriging about this oppurtinity is _________________________, beacause sometimes is class I find myself wishing for more complicated tasks. GOOD LUCK! It's sounding really good so far.
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Anabella Originally Answered: Can u help me with this essay? im in 7th grade i need a 500 word up essay! read my essay and please correct?
to many confusing names. make ur moral or what lesson you want the reader to know, more understandable.
Anabella Originally Answered: Can u help me with this essay? im in 7th grade i need a 500 word up essay! read my essay and please correct?
You need to start a new paragraph when someone else begins talking: "Hi this is Samantha, Danny, and the other cool kids" "What do you guys want?" "Well me (Samantha) and Danny wanted to know if you would like to join our cool kids group." "Why would you do that you bully me call me names..?" "Well not any more come hang out with us at the mall see you there." "Wait!" Don't forget about your punctuation and spelling. "Guys" does not need an apostrophe. Your is possessive, You're is a contraction of "you are." Also, people don't say, "ha." You could say: "That nerd thinks we will ruin our future stealing." He laughed. You need more he said/she said. It's impossible to tell who is speaking.
Anabella Originally Answered: Can u help me with this essay? im in 7th grade i need a 500 word up essay! read my essay and please correct?
The concept of fun really wasn't on the agenda back in those days. There was no concept of childhood as a separate and special time in one's life until the 18th century. As soon as you could start doing work, you started. By the time you were three, you might be collecting eggs from the chickens if you were lucky enough to have them. By the time you were 5 or 6, you would be watching and corralling the younger kids. And anything you could carry would be your job. Hauling water, pulling weeds if your family farmed rather than hunted and gathered. You might gather fuel for the family fires, wood, or dried animal dung, or whatever was used in your region. You might be left to keep the fires going or stirring the cookpots of food. As a boy, your training as a hunter or farmer would start. Maybe you would learn to throw rocks at rabbits and other small animals for your family to eat. You might learn to fish or to track larger animals and learn how to flush birds for others to kill. In time, you would be given the same weapons the adults used in order to learn to use them. As a girl, you would learn how to sew, how to mend, how to cook, and their version of first aid or healing, which herbs and roots could be used for what illnesses and discomfort and so on. You would learn childcare and gardening. You would also be expected to self sufficient in ways that would seem like child abuse today. But you must remember, that life spans were less than half what they are today. It wasn't unusual for women to die at 35, worn out from childbirth and hard work, and often men didn't live as long as that. So adults had a very brief window of time to teach children everything they needed to learn in order to subsist. And kids had to learn and master these skills quickly for the cycle to continue. It wasn't unusual for girls to be married at 12 or 13 and to start having babies soon after. In those days, so many babies and children died before adulthood, that the average woman had to have 5 babies, just to maintain the population. For the population to grow, she had to have more. You can look for web sites about the Middle Ages, but you might consider looking at book in the library, too. Information on the web can't always be trusted as being true.

Wayne Wayne
umm like the first person said...i think its a little to straightfoward...kinda blunt u should also try to organizee it into sections so that it is easier to read...
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Wayne Originally Answered: Please help me! Could you, please, read my essay and tell me what you think about it? Please?
First, what you've got so far is pretty good, grammatically speaking, from what I've seen. I'm going to offer some frank criticism and feedback on your content and writing style along with the grammar errors I notice. I hope you don't mind. P1: I'll be honest here. This statement ... I would restructure this to read: "I'll be honest; when I read this statement ..." P1: Having interpreted this question to be more relating to ''Intellectual property'' ... "More relating" suggests a comparison. "More relating" to what, then? I'm not sure it's incorrect grammar per se, but you can omit the word "more" and it still makes sense. The change in meaning is subtle and probably close enough to what you wish to convey. Your decision. Also, "intellectual property" shouldn't be capitalized. It's not a normal idea, not a proper noun. P1: I thought ''What absurd! "How absurd" is the proper expression. Also, this is a long string of "dialog" to be including in quotation marks. I would consider restructuring it so you do not have to include them. Maybe say, "At first, this struck me as absurd ..." The following statements and rhetorical questions wouldn't require quotes, that way. However, if you leave the quotes, for this part: P1: ... ferret out private ''knowledge''.'' The quotation marks surrounding "knowledge" should only be single quote marks: " ... ferret out private 'knowledge.'" Also note, periods and commas always go inside quotation marks. Now to go backtrack a bit ... P1: "The odds are against you to start with; if the result is not private for at least a short while, there wouldn't be any incentive. Privacy would be essentially gone since anyone ..." This is not grammatically incorrect, but the second sentence here would be improved if you added some sort of transition. As it reads, there is a rather abrupt change in subject. You could start it off with something like, "Regarding the issue of confidentiality ... ." P2: "The full citation looks like this: Knowledge like the sky is never private property... Teaching is the art of sharing." I'm not sure if this is more of a style thing or a grammar thing, but normally you don't introduce a brief quote with a colon, and when you do, it is usually formatted specially in a block. P4: "Now, that's different! How very true! A profound statement -- ..." This seems a bit overly exuberant. I'd tone it down a little, but it's up to you. Also,"A profound statement" sounds fragmented to my ears. Also, I would replace the second dash with a period in this sentence. Too much exotic punctuation can be distracting. P4: ". Hence this is a sign of their insecurity. " I think "insecurity" is the wrong word here, unless you explain more explicitly how it belies insecurity. "Greed" would seem more suitable. In fact, when I think of people displaying insecurity where knowledge is concerned, the image that comes to mind is that of people who know something, but are all TOO eager to share it to show off their knowledge and thereby gain validation. P4: "Only people who don't have enough love for themselves don't delight in sharing." Without a supporting argument for this sub-point, this trite platitude strikes me as the same kind of almost meaningless "bumper-sticker" statement that you derided before. In a persuasive essay, try not to assume that the reader shares all of your values, even if you take them for granted ... though this depends somewhat on your intended audience. OK, reading on, I now see that you supported your "insecurity" argument later on in the paragraph. However, I would consider putting the "insecurity" statement after you've made your point, or restate it. Using the transitioning "hence" makes it sounds as if you've already stated your argument. You can instead start off the sentence with something like, "I believe that ... because ..." or you start off referring to the knowledge hoarding activity as being greedy, then conclude later that it may be interpreted as a kind of insecurity. P4: "I believe they sort of get" I would get rid of "sort of," which may be a bit too informal and casual, and also, the fact that you're hedging removes some of the forcefulness of your point. If you're going to hedge, try working in a different weasel word phrase like "some people" or "may." P5: "All figurative language aside, there's been a lot of speculation recently whether knowledge should be free or not." "Speculation" seems like the wrong word here. Speculation suggests a guess, like people don't think they know whether knowledge should be free. Instead, what I think you're refering to is "debate" or "contention." P5: "But I find this question rather relative... There are two kinds of knowledge, you know." I personally try to avoid ellipses. Usually a period, semicolon or comma is more appropriate. In this case, I'd probably go with a semicolon. I would consider rewriting this passage. First, you refer to "this question," but the reader may have, at this point, forgotten exactly what the question is. Here, I think you should explicitly reiterate what is "in question." I'd also get rid of the "rather" in "rather relative," which is more hedging that weakens the impact of your point, and does not seem quite necessary in this statement. [Edit, I'm back.] I would also remove the "you know." It is a bit informal, but beyond that, it makes it sound too much like you're giving a lecture, or chastising the reader. P5: Knowledge that is sold and knowledge you can aquire yourself which is a major tool for self-improvement. This is a sentence fragment. A simple fix would be to change the period that precedes this sentence to a colon. Also, the word is spelled "acquire." Another problem is that you make it sound like "knowledge that is sold" cannot be a major tool for self-improvement, a point which is contradicted by the rest of the paragraph. Consider omitting the "self-improvement" bit, or restructure the sentence in such a way that it makes it clear that it can apply to both types of knowledge. P5: If it's the type of knowledge you buy by attending school, university, college etc. - than it's one thing. The hyphen in that sentence should be a dash, and you should replace "then" with "than." In this context, you are using it like the phrase, "in that case," which is a meaning of the word "then," not "than." This sentence makes it sound like you're getting ready to further break down the concept of "purchasable knowledge." You're saying "it's one thing" if it is the kind of purchasable knowledge that you get from going to college. That implies that you think there is another kind of purchasable knowledge that is different in some important manner. I think you may be implying that the other kind of knowledge you buy is "intellectual property," but you should probably make that explicit. As it is currently written, I'm a little confused about the point you're trying to make with this paragraph. P5: You have to go to school so you can make it in this life, i.e. get a good job etc. It's an imperative part of the economy. You should introduce some qualifiers to the first sentence at least, because it is not always true that a person MUST attend college (or even even complete primary school) to "make it in life" and "get a good job." I believe I understand your point, which is that it is highly beneficial to get a good education to meet your goals in life, and that having an educated population makes for a better workforce and therefore, a better economy, but you don't do a very good job illustrating your point. P5: "The very fabric of it would begin unravelling if you didn't have to pay for your education. It's really the same thing as believing that the simple things like air, water and place to live ought to be free." It is spelled "unraveling." And now I am really confused. Are you saying that basic necessities (such as air and water) should not be freely available? You offer no support for your argument that the fabric of the economy would unravel if you didn't have to pay for education. Does apply to public schooling in grades K-12, or just higher education? If only higher education, why? If it applies to all education, then you should support your argument by making a case against public education. Or are you saying that "someone" has to pay for education, even if it is government/taxpayer, and if so, how does that relate to overall point? And how does this mesh with the "second kind" of knowledge (the freely available kind), which is also "education"? P5: "Still they're a necessary evil — as is balancing the checkbook. That makes me concerned though, about skyrocketing college costs. It's almost like some powerful forces want fewer and fewer people get a quality education." What are a necessary evil? Schools? The fact that someone has to pay for them? [Edit: Seems like it's not letting me make my answer any longer. If you want more feedback, let me know and I message you.]
Wayne Originally Answered: Please help me! Could you, please, read my essay and tell me what you think about it? Please?
I didn't read the whole essay, but one thing that really stood out to me is the format. If this is to be an essay, you should really consider taking out "I", exclamation marks, and making your arguments more clear by stating a short sentence in the beginning about what you would like to argue. This way, it is clear to the reader. Also, beware of using the statement "no sense". I think you could actually take this out all together. It's one of those "empty sentences" that doesn't tell the reader much. Take that out and explain what you mean. I hope this helps!

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