What's It Like to be an Adoptee (is that the right word)?
Topic: How to write an email to a friend about a job
July 16, 2019 / By Chloe Question:
what's it like to grow up in a family that adopted you at birth?
let me explain the situation: my big cousin, who's 16, recently had her baby girl. she had an adoption all planned out, with legal papers written and the adoptive parents ready. the contract is that she'll stay in contact with the adoptive family of her daughter. they will send her pictures and letters about the baby, and she'll visit her daughter every so often, like once a year. they've already emailed a bunch of pictures of the baby, who's only like two weeks old, to her. my cousin's daughter will grow up being able to ask her birth mother any questions she wants about the adoption, and knowing who her birth mom and birth family are. i'll probably be able to visit the baby at one point or another too, since i'm family and me and my cousin have become like best friends during her pregnancy.
so how will this affect the baby and her relationships with her adoptive parents? adoptees, feel free to share your stories.
you think this is better then a normal adoption, where the baby doesn't know it's birth parents? why? what are some issues that happen with adopted children as they grow up?
keep in mind the baby was adopted the day after she was born, and will be raised knowing she was adopted and knowing her birth mother. her adoptive parents say that it won't be taboo and they know how important talking about the adoption will be, and they'd be fine if the baby, when she's older, needs to talk about it and what it means. will the baby be okay? i've heard stuff about adopted kids growing up feeling unwanted and disconnected from their adoptive families.
for You're WAY to serious: she is not a bad mother. not at all. she would have loved to raise her child.
but there are practicalities. her parents are putting her older brother through college. there isn't a whole lot of money. her parents could babysit, but her mom has a part time job and her dad has a full time job. her mom could only babysit after school.
she's not a bad mom, and i almost cried when i read that. when she was pregnant, she sang to the baby in her stomach, and she was so careful with what she ate, and made sure to do everything to make her baby healthier because she loved it so much.
oh, and the adoptive family can't legally deny her the rights to visit once a year. it's in the contract that she can visit the child and they send her at least 10 photos a year with some information about the baby. they've already sent way more photos, though, and a long email about the baby. they seem to really want to stay in contact.
Best Answers: What's It Like to be an Adoptee (is that the right word)?
Astra | 2 days ago
little background on me. adopted as newborn in the 70s. raised with the real life ward and june cleaver. very happy with my adoption, MY life was better for it. met my bios, both, and absolutely adore them.
now, first of all, i hope your cousin does get to stay in contact with the baby, but look back at some of the resolved questions, it doesnt always happen like that. many are promised contact and then later denied, with no legal recourse to back them. they relinquished, done and over.
i truly do hope she doesnt become another mother that will be offered false promises and hopes only to have them tossed aside later on.
as for being adopted, well, it is different for each of us. FOR ME, as this is all i can honestly vouch for, it was a blessing. i wont go into any gory details, but my bioparents were in a very bad place in their lives when i was born. none of us would have benefitted from keeping me with them.
as great as my adoptive family was, i have always been the outsider. i dont fit in. i am the complete polar opposite of them. they raised me thinking i was rather nuts, but it was just because they honestly didnt understand my personality. no ones fault, they tried.
i can say how your cousins baby will be affected by this. some are angry, some are hurt, some are content. its a toss up. but ALMOST all of us feel we are the outsider. many develop attachment issues. where we struggle with relationships as adults. some have much more sever issues. feeling like you are the square peg in the round hole all your life leaves its marks.
if you want a broad range of what can happen read some of the resolved posts here. go into peoples profiles and read their answers, but be open minded, the reasons they feel the way they do are justified. dont condem them after reading just a few. you will learn alot, i promise. i know i have.
good luck to your family, i wish you many years of blissful happiness. with little or no heartache.
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Originally Answered: Do you have adoptee radar?
Yes, I have it.
I have "missed" some people -- they didn't register on my "adopt-dar" and I found out later that they are adopted -- but I have NEVER been wrong on anyone who did "blip" my screen (so to speak).
My funniest experience, though, was being on the receiving end of another adoptee's "adopt-dar" -- and he was one that *I* missed. LOL!
I might have caught on later, when we knew each other longer/better, but he "got" me right away -- actually within hours of the moment we met.
He had just completed his dissertation on searching mothers (mothers who had relinquished and are/were searching for their lost child[ren]) so maybe he was more 'attuned' than I was at the time.
I dunno... but it was still pretty funny. I have also been "outed" by a 4th grade student. He was a male and an adoptee, too. :-)
I was born in 1958 and was adopted , and I have 2 adopted children- I have never had any problems with adoption- I have always felt that I was chosen- about the way your cousin is handling the contact with the adoptive family is ok- if she wants to see her child every year, and the adoptive parents feel comfortable with that , it is wonderful, and because they feel comfortable the child will think it just apart of her life- however with my hubby and I we choose to just send pics etc for the first 18 years- and then if our children decided to search for them fine - our 19 year old just met his birth family last year. I have never met my birth mom however I respect her and love her- my daughter is 16 and has shown no interest yet to search her birth family out. I know that some adoptees can be very torn- however with my experience I am very thankful I was raised with the family I was.
👍 50 | 👎 -2
Yes, I have noticed that also. Word doesn't recognize it either. And I just tested a few more and Y!A spellcheck also doesn't recognize birthmother or birthfather (or birthuncle, birthsister, etc.), or oddly enough, "spellcheck". Interestingly, though, it does recognize "adopter"! And hey, a frivolous question is nice sometimes!
👍 49 | 👎 -6
I am an adult adoptee, as I was born in 1968 of course it was a closed adoption, it was all the law allowed for at the time. As a 40 year old I am totally cool with the fact that im adopted. I have no problems whatsoever regarding this, I have met my biological family, I am VERY glad that I was given up. In no way would I prefer to have been raised within my bio family. Having said that, as a teenager I went through a lot of angst regarding my adoption, like most adoptees I felt the lack of knowing where I came from, where I fit in.
👍 48 | 👎 -10
Asking me to imagine what it would have been like to grow up knowing my mother is to ask me what it must be like to grow up on Mars. It's that foreign to me.
But this 'open' adoption will probably not last long anyway. They cannot be enforced. I hope your cousin's open adoption works the way it's supposed to...
👍 47 | 👎 -14
Originally Answered: How come the word big is smaller then the word small? and how come the word small is bigger then the word big?
I could ask you, for example, why "four" has 4 letters in it, but "five" also has 4, "eleven" has 6, for example.
The reason is because the form of the word has nothing to do with its meaning. Spoken language developed far before written language, and people simply did not see the need to equate form with meaning. When language became written, words had to adhere to the spelling system. Imagine the problems people would have had if they not only had to deal with "big/small," but also "wide/narrow," for example. Would people have written the first one all stretched out, and the second with letters crammed together?
The only exception to the form/meaning differences are onomatopoeias, which are words based on sounds, such as "beep," "quack," "boom," etc. In these cases, the two are related.