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10POINTS! Does my college essay make sense? Its about my personal life and I'm worried about corrections:x?

10POINTS! Does my college essay make sense? Its about my personal life and I'm worried about corrections:x? Topic: Art critical essays
July 16, 2019 / By Darryl
Question: Since I can remember, art has always been a passion to me. It is the only way I have truly been able to express myself. It’s something that can never become unappealing to me. At a young age, I felt like time has passed me by quickly, due to the sickness’ that maintained me hospitalized for periods of time. I felt like my childhood years went by too fast. Anything creative was what I was drawn to. Drawing was one of my favorite things to do, even at the hospital. It was my escape from all I felt at the moment. I always looked at things differently and that’s what always made me go back to art where I could express myself creatively. A couple of years back my entire family (myself included) where in a major car accident while vacationing in our country, El Salvador. At a blink of an eye we were all in critical condition, but thankful to be alive. This experience made me look at life differently. I began to try and take advantage of every moment possible, getting involved in school, in my community and with my family. I suddenly understood that we most cherish every moment and capture them so they can’t just slip on by, that’s when my passion for photography, graphics and fashion started. When you go through times like that you begin to see how one can loose things in a second and not capture the beautiful moments around us. Photography and the arts have become a major part of my life ever since. I love the way photos can capture moments before there gone. That’s one thing that absolutely inspires me about photography. Another is how photographs are like timelines. They can tell stories and there is always a meaning behind a photograph. Why am I fascinated with FIT and why I want to attend it? I know that FIT is going to take me places. It will most definitely take me to the next level and help me develop the skills that are needed. I attended the open house a few months back; I was able to see not only what FIT can offer me, but also what I can offer to FIT. I can give them a new light and new way of looking at things because of what I’ve gone though. Making the best out of every situation I’ve had. Trying to use whatever life brought fourth, even it were bad, turning it around and making it a positive outcome. FIT can offer me that opportunity of learning new techniques using my past experiences, and outlook on life in pictures. I know that this school will be a school I can express my self into. Back in February of 2011, I was hired a part time job at fashion company located on 45thStreet. Working for this company was one of my greatest successes that year and was definitely one of the greatest things that has happened to me during my high school year. My job as a graphic artist for the company brings forth almost all the elements of what I hope to look forward to in my career. Such as photography, fashion, design and computer graphics. I was able to change my hobby as a freelancer to a hobby I got paid for. During my high school year, I’ve taken media production, computer graphics, two photography courses, and many other art courses as well, such as airbrush, silkscreen, etc. Computer graphics wasn’t really new to me at the time I took the course. Learning the basics of Adobe Photoshop at a young age, 13, guided me through the steps and made me familiar with the program in a later time. Along with my high school, I’ve taken a business college courses, community services, joined the track team and joined art for charity. Leadership takes place in my life and its is also a major part in my life. I then decided to combine my computer graphic skills with photography. Till this day freelancing has become a repetition. It has also become a hobby on my free time. I’ve worked for customers, friends, relatives and companies.
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Best Answers: 10POINTS! Does my college essay make sense? Its about my personal life and I'm worried about corrections:x?

Bree Bree | 7 days ago
It's OK, but your sentences don't flow very well, and you have a few sentence fragments. Also put in a nice closing paragraph, since it ends rather suddenly. So do a little re-wording and a few corrections and you'll be fine.
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Bree Originally Answered: Do you think this is an okay essay? And could you make some corrections to it?
My corrections and knowledge I learned while writing my own books. Your research: It sounds like you have already done this but if you need more then check the internet. Add a lot of your own experience while being in Korea. This is a gold mine!!! Analysis: Clearly define your claims, write out reasons, your evidence. Brainstorming: Think of any information that you may have missed in the above essay that you wrote. Outline: Sketch out your essay before straightaway writing it out. Introduction: Your introduction should grab the reader's attention. Have fun with it! Paragraphs: Each individual paragraph should be focused on a single idea that supports your essay. Conclusion: Gracefully exit your essay by making a quick wrap-up sentence, and end on some memorable thought. Don't forget to add any borrowed ideas and quotations. It should be correct cited in the body of your text or you can at it at the end of your page. Language: Correct any grammar, making sentences flow etc. Proof read until it reads just how you want it to sound. Your done! I hope you get an A+
Bree Originally Answered: Do you think this is an okay essay? And could you make some corrections to it?
this is how the essay must be written: Mi manía preferida es fútbol. He estado jugando por 10 años. Soy capitán del equipo de fútbol. Quisiera aprender cómo hacer pivotar danza. Pero no tengo una falda del caniche. Tengo gusto de l. a. música porque mi abuela escucha ella. Puedo lamer mi codo. Puedo porque mis sholders son dobles articulados. Pero mi healthcare expert dijo que no puedo dislocar mis hombros más. Mi posesión preferida es mi perro. Mi perro es muy gordo, ella los wieghs 88 libras. Mi memoria preferida es todo el verano. Visité Chicago para ayudar con los cabritos como el en de Launa y de Kevein mi cuadro. Mis amigos y yo pasamos mucho tiempo en l. a. playa. En el futuro viajaré mucho. Quiero visitar Islandia más, pero iré dondequiera. Quisiera visitar Maine otra vez

Alexa Alexa
I'm so very sorry for the anguish and soreness you might have long past by way of for your existence. But, wow, are you a survivor or what?! How intelligent you have to be to have sought a safe haven in artwork. Good for you. I feel you must without doubt inform your tale for your school essay. But pay attention to your good fortune and ardour for artwork greater than to your early life. Don't begin the essay out "Because of my horrible early life" write whatever like "At an early age I discovered my precise voice by way of the drawings on my canvas. My early life used to be a ways from handy on the grounds that of parental overlook and abuse. Art used to be my get away into an international filled with wish and spirit." You understand what I imply (you are most commonly intelligent sufficient to try this so much larger than I'm doing it!). Good success! Your long term appears vivid - you'll be able to must put on sunglasses! :-)
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Alexa Originally Answered: Personal Essay for College?
sounds like something you should tell your psychologist, not the admissions committee--right now it seems like you are trying to make them feel sorry for you--instead write about how your experiences might have made you a better person who will succeed in college
Alexa Originally Answered: Personal Essay for College?
It's really good but it seems more like you have decided to tell them about who you were rather than how your dysthymia chaned your outlook on life. It seems as if you are recounting your tale, rather than explaining the effect it had on your life. I think this part needs a little editing "started seeing a therapist and I learned that I have dysthymia, a mild case of depression. With months of therapy I learned that it's not as bad as I thought it was and that I can get through anything if I just believe. I now have a new outlook on the world and I would never try to commit suicide again. I do still sometimes get depressed but I know that I can make it through without trying anything." You should put more detail into this part at is it the main point of your essay. Maybe include why it changed you -it doesn't matter if you're not sure why. They will be impressed if you give your thoughts and opinions on why. A sentence like this: "I'm not entirely sure why therapy made me realise the positive of the world, but I have a little theory. I think that I..." Speaking of opinions, they are really really really important to put in your essay. It's sort of like the story of what happened is just the foundation of the essay and needs opinions, comparisons, adjectives, similies and such slotted in. You have a few opinions in here already which is good. There are a some places which could be even better with them for example here "I knew that I was already having problems but I never discussed them with anyone." You could add a sentence after this one saying something like "I felt like I couldn't tell anyone but keeping all my emotions pent up inside made the feelings even more intense. Keeping it all in produced new emotions in me such as anger, bitterness; and eventually resentment." It helps the reader connect much more. It's hard to give examples of comparisons, but they make essays a heck of a lot better -in a teachers POV anyway. Things like "I was so blinded by wreckless emotions that I almost couldn't see how different I felt before all of this" or in the end paragraph where you talk about being better now you could say something like "This time last year, at the height of my dysthymia, I didn't think it was possible to feel this way". Similies and metaphors are important but you shouldn't use too many. Lines such as "Then, two years later, we found out that my sister-in-law was pregnant again" can be followed up with something similar to "At this period of time, my life was sort of like a slowly deflating balloon. A balloon that was going down and down until it had no air left". If you put a similie like this in, it would be very cool to use the following line as the inspirational closing sentence "The balloon that is my life is now almost completely inflated and flying high". Good luck, I really liked your essay. If you just add a few more details it will be perfect. x

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