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Please look over my essay 10 pts?

Please look over my essay 10 pts? Topic: Advice not taken essay help
June 20, 2019 / By Aggi
Question: im in 9th grade. please rate my essay from 1-10 its about the Athens and Gupta Civilization. please this is a really huge part of my final grade. and if u can give me tips on how to make it better. thank you :) A Golden Age is a period where peace and prosperity is flourished throughout a civilization. All through history, many civilizations and cultures experienced a Golden Age. Advances were made in many different fields such as philosophy, architecture, and education. 5th century Athens and the Gupta Dynasty not only advanced in those fields during their Golden age but also in medicine, government, and mathematics which is still influencing the modern world. 5th century Athens made a big influence on modern day government and laws. When Pericles ruled, 460 B.C. – 429 B.C., he took democracy to new heights. He set up a direct democracy where male citizens would debate over laws. Pericles set up the idea of having juries to determine facts and provide a decision of whether or not a person is guilty of a crime based on those facts. He also came up with the idea “innocent until proven guilty.” The Gupta Dynasty on the other hand did not advance much government wise. They had a simple central government. The Gupta Dynasty did however highly advance in mathematics. They came up with the concept of zero and the decimal system. Arabic numerals were also created by the Gupta people. Athens advanced in mathematics as well in a more complex way. Hellenistic thinkers came up with the Pythagoras which is used to calculate the relationship between the sides of a right triangle. Euclid wrote a book called The Elements that deals with different math equations and formulas. Another field in which Athens highly advanced in was medicine. Hippocrates, a Greek physician, studied many causes for illnesses and searched for many different cures. He also came up with the Hippocratic Oath. This oath basically explains what doctor is required to do and a promise to be dedicated to his or her work. The Gupta Dynasty went as far as repairing facial injuries with plastic surgery. About 1,000 years before the Europeans did, The Guptas vaccinated people against small pox. There are many more notable facts about the Athens and Guptas. Archimedes studied physics and made many inventions such as the lever and the pulley during the Athens Golden Age. Extraordinary works such as Shakuntala came out of the Gupta Dynasty’s Golden Age. Shakuntala was written by Kalidasa, a famous writer. The Athens and Gupta Dynasty helped shape our modern day society with their advanced thinking and practical inventions. Today, we still use Arabic numerals, the decimal system, and the concept of zero in everyday math problems and to calculate different things. We used Euclid’s book The Elements as the base of modern day geometry. Without the invention of a pulley we would have to lift 2ton metal pieces without the use of cranes. Their advances in medicine have leaded us to our own advances in creating new cures. The Athens democratic government had influenced the United States government in modern day society. We still believe in “innocent until proven guilty” and still use juries to determine whether a person is guilty or not. Their advances will continue to influence the modern day world. its a themadic essay it seems jumbled because it doesnt show where i made a seperate paragraph. task is: identify 2 dif cultures that experienced a gold age describe the specific achievements of each cult identified explain how these achievements continue to influence the modern day world.
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Best Answers: Please look over my essay 10 pts?

Tiernan Tiernan | 1 day ago
You have done a realy good job on this one, and these are never easy. Here are some of my suggestions, in quotations for possible re-wordings. At the end of the second paragraph, you wrote "Euclid wrote a book called". "wrote a book titled... and which contains" not deals with. 3rd paragraph where you spoke of the "oath"...you wrote "what doctor is required to do". "Oath explains what specific duitys each doctor is required to perform". Next to last paragraph you wrote "There are many more noteable facts about Athens and Guptas". Try ending this sentence with such as, and give another example of each, and let that be a whole new paragrph in itself. Essays need detail to back up their facts, but try not to ramble with it. (Not that you have). You wrote about ( last paragraph) how we use Arabic numerals, the decimal system, and the concept of zero in every day math problems and to calculate different things. Again add such as and give just an example or two, to show how we can still benifit from those things today, and make that in itself another short paragraph. Also, with any good essay, you want a great finishing sentence that wraps it all up and ties it all together. Try something along the lines of (adding to the last sentence you already have) as it has served as a steping stone for future advances in technology. Now, I am no professional or anything, and as always, these are only suggestions, and advice, always there for the taking and the leaving. Good luck, and God Bless!!
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Tiernan Originally Answered: U.S History Essay. The Cold War was mainly the U.S.’fault. I need some thesis ideas, to write my five paragraph essay?
1) As soon as the UN was formed after WWII the Americans offered to place nuclear weapons under the control of their newly formed UN if the rest of the world didn't try to create their own nuclear weapons. The Russians refused because the UN was created by the US and held undue influence in the organization, they simply didn't trust us. The Russians would only accept a total disarmament which the Americans wouldn't accept because Russia's conventional military force was enormous and already on the ground in Europe. We needed the A-bombs to keep Stalin at bay without them we would have had to keep a large conventional war weary force in Europe after WWII. So we took the easy route told the Russians to get stuffed and kept our nukes. 2) As the Cold War progressed the US LIED about the Russian's actual combat capabilities in order to justify our enormous military build up. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bomber_gap https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missile_ga... 3) The US started the Cuban missile crisis by stationing nuclear missiles on the USSR's doorstep in Turkey the Russians were only trying to keep up with the US nuclear posturing. After the failed US backed "Bay of Pigs" invasion the Cubans asked the Russians to station nuclear missiles in Cuba to deter future US aggression. The Russians finally agreed when the US put nuclear missiles in Turkey and Italy well within range of Moscow. Note: during the Cuban missile crisis a Russian sub commander saved the world by NOT returning fire with a nuclear torpedo after an American depth charge attack. In addition after the crisis the US quietly removed our missiles from Turkey and Italy that is how close our nuclear brinkmanship brought the world to WWIII. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasili_Ark...

Rain Rain
I did a little editing, Look over it and see if it is any better. I hope this helps!! The Golden Age is a period where peace and prosperity are flourished throughout a civilization. Through history, many civilizations and cultures experienced Golden Age. Advances were made in many different fields such as philosophy, architecture, and education. Fifth century Athens and the Gupta Dynasty, not only advanced in those fields during their Golden age, but also in medicine, government, and mathematics which are still influencing the modern world. Fifth century Athens influenced modern day government and laws. When Pericles ruled, 460 B.C. – 429 B.C., he took democracy to new heights. He set up a direct democracy where male citizens would debate over laws. Pericles set up the idea of having juries to determine facts and provide a decision of whether or not a person is guilty of a crime based on those facts. He also came up with the idea “innocent until proven guilty.” The Gupta Dynasty on the other hand did not advance much government wise.(I would try and re-word “government wise”) They had a simple central government. The Gupta Dynasty did however highly advance in mathematics. They came up with the concept of zero and the decimal system. Arabic numerals were also created by the Gupta people. Athens advanced in mathematics as well in a more complex way. Hellenistic thinkers came up with the Pythagoras which is used to calculate the relationship between the sides of a right triangle. Euclid wrote a book called The Elements that deals with different math equations and formulas. Another field in which Athens highly advanced in was medicine. Hippocrates, a Greek physician, studied many causes for illnesses and searched for many different cures. He also came up with the Hippocratic Oath. This oath basically explains what doctors are required to do and a promise to be dedicated to his or her work. The Gupta Dynasty went as far as repairing facial injuries with plastic surgery. About 1,000 years before the Europeans did, The Guptas vaccinated people against small pox. There are many more notable facts about the Athens and Guptas. Archimedes studied physics and made many inventions such as the lever and the pulley during the Athens Golden Age. Extraordinary works such as Shakuntala came out of the Gupta Dynasty’s Golden Age. Shakuntala was written by Kalidasa, a famous writer. The Athens and Gupta Dynasty helped shape our modern day society with their advanced thinking and practical inventions. Today, we still use Arabic numerals, the decimal system, and the concept of zero in everyday math problems and to calculate different things. We used Euclid’s book The Elements as the base of modern day geometry. Without the invention of a pulley we would have to lift 2 ton metal pieces without the use of cranes. Their advances in medicine have leaded us to our own advances in creating new cures. The Athens democratic government had influenced the United States government in modern day society. We still believe in “innocent until proven guilty” and still use juries to determine whether a person is guilty or not. Their advancements will continue to influence the modern day world.
👍 120 | 👎 -4

Marlen Marlen
I went through and made some corrections, I also marked an area where I am not sure of your intentions. A Golden Age is a period when peace and prosperity flourish throughout a civilization. Many civilizations and cultures throughout history have experienced a Golden Age; advances were made in many different fields such as philosophy, architecture, and education. Fifth century Athens and the Gupta Dynasty not only advanced in those fields during their Golden age but also in medicine, government, and mathematics (which is still influencing the modern world). Fifth century Athens made a big influence on modern day government and laws. When Pericles ruled, 460 B.C. – 429 B.C., he took democracy to new heights. He set up a direct democracy where male citizens would debate over laws. Pericles set up the idea of having juries to determine facts and provide a decision of whether or not a person is guilty of a crime based on those facts. He also came up with the idea “innocent until proven guilty.” On the other hand, the Gupta Dynasty did not advance much in terms of government, they had a simple central government. The Gupta Dynasty did, however, advance very much in mathematics. They came up with the concept of zero and the decimal system. Arabic numerals were also created by the Gupta people. Athens also advanced in mathematics in a more complex way. Hellenistic thinkers came up with the Pythagoras which is used to calculate the relationship between the sides of a right triangle. Euclid wrote a book called The Elements that deals with different math equations and formulas. Another field in which Athens highly advanced in was medicine. Hippocrates, a Greek physician, studied many causes for illnesses and searched for many different cures. He also came up with the Hippocratic Oath. This oath basically explains what a doctor is required to do and a promise to be dedicated to his or her work. The Gupta Dynasty went as far as repairing facial injuries with plastic surgery. About 1,000 years before the Europeans did, (I AM NOT SURE ABOUT YOUR MEANING AND PUNCTUATION HERE) The Guptas vaccinated people against small pox. There are many more notable facts about the Athens and Guptas. Archimedes studied physics and made many inventions such as the lever and the pulley during the Athens Golden Age. Extraordinary works such as Shakuntala came out of the Gupta Dynasty’s Golden Age. Shakuntala was written by Kalidasa, a famous writer. The Athens and Gupta Dynasty helped shape our modern day society with their advanced thinking and practical inventions. Today, we still use Arabic numerals, the decimal system, and the concept of zero in everyday math problems and to calculate different things. We used Euclid’s book The Elements as the base of modern day geometry. Without the invention of a pulley we would have to lift 2 ton metal pieces without the use of cranes. Their advances in medicine have led us to our own advances in creating new cures. The Athens democratic government had influenced the United States government in modern day society. We still believe in “innocent until proven guilty” and still use juries to determine whether a person is guilty or not. Their advances will continue to influence the modern day world.
👍 120 | 👎 -9

Jerome Jerome
A Golden Age is a period where peace and prosperity is flourished (tense is wrong) throughout a civilization. (don't start a sentence with a number) ...5th century Athens and the Gupta Dynasty not only advanced in those fields during their Golden age but also in medicine, government, and mathematics which is still influencing the modern world. (how, where?) (same thing)...5th century Athens made a big influence on modern day government and laws. (new paragraph)...The Gupta Dynasty on the other hand did not advance much government wise(odd wording). (continue paragraph on the Guptas)...The Gupta Dynasty did however highly advance in mathematics. (this should be moved up tp where you first discuss it)... Today, we still use Arabic numerals, the decimal system, and the concept of zero in everyday math problems and to calculate different things You seem to jump around and back and forth too much. I think what would help you a lot is making an outline with main points and subpoints,,,and then organizing your paper that way. Remember: introduction (one paragraph), body (4-5 paragraphs is good) and conclusion (one paragraph). Use a catchy grabber in your intro, and a "sum up" in your last sentence.
👍 120 | 👎 -14

Gilbert Gilbert
in the first sentence i wouldn't write the flourished part, it doesn't make sense to use that word within the context of the sentence. never use a number like 2ton, write it out two ton. and I would seperate each dynasty or rulers into paragraphs, listing out the impact of each on modern day. I would use the last paragraph to summarize the significance of a "golden age" and something about advances you might hope will be made in the future. I would rate this as a 6 out of 10. You could look up some more info and beef it up a little.
👍 120 | 👎 -19

Gilbert Originally Answered: Is this essay good? Plz give me some comments,some improvements and the IELTS band score for this essay?
> SHOULD FOOD MANUFACTURERS BE FORCE Wrong verb form: it should be 'forced'. > Nowadays, junk food is gradually becoming a specific part of daily life I think it was always 'specific'. A more to the point word like 'important', 'basic' or 'constant' is better for the essay purpose. > Eating much of these foods causes obesity and premature death; especially foods with high fat Two uses of 'foods' very close to each other. I suggest replacing one of them by a pronoun. > In this essay, I intend to show that food manufacturers need to be forced to ... IMO, a good essay should speak for itself, so the 28 words you use to close the paragraph could be replaced by something more original. > what is good for their body. '...their bodies', actually :) For those cases, if unsure, use adjectives, for example: 'what is good on a corporal level'. > why should the food manufacturers be forced to lower the fat, sugar and salt? You're recycling too much IMO. > The government does not need to make the decision... Unless somebody said the government 'needs' to make that decision, there's no reason for you to state that (i.e. you don't need it, funnily enough). I think something like 'isn't supposed to make the decision' or 'can't afford making the decision' is better. > For example, people would eat more than a sausage if the salt and fat content has reduced because they are not satisfied with these tasteless sausages. While there are no grammatical errors, the way you phrase this part is a bit rookie. Suggested revision: 'For example, a low-fat low-salt sausage would hardly satisfy consumers, so they'd try to compensate by increasing their intake.' > Thus, forcing food manufacturers to lower the fat, sugar and salt content in food may induce people to eat more. You're spinning 'round too much IMO. > young or old alike. Suggested revision: 'young and old alike'. Reasons: it avoids a gratuitous alliteration ('or old') and emphasises the warning nature of the essay. > children being overweight result from taking excessive junk food. This one's not correct. Suggested revisions: '... overweight, a result from...' or '...overweight resulting from...' > Therefore, forcing manufacturers to lower the fat, sugar and salt content in food is necessary. Again, you're repeating yourself too much. > When you eat a poor diet with all kinds of junk food You don't eat a diet, you either 'eat all kinds of junk food' or 'have a poor diet with all kinds of junk food'. > Furthermore, having unhealthy food causes premature deaths. There's nothing wrong in 'having' unhealthy food, unless you're 'eating' it as well ;) Of course, 'having unhealthy meals' does work very well here. 513 words all in all, which is a bit too much for IELTS (you're good to go with half of it), but both grammar and fluency are sound. I'd give you a 7 band or maybe a 7.5.

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