Can you read this and give me harsh criticism please?
Topic: Getting words mixed up when writing about a book
May 25, 2019 / By Nikkole Question:
Chapter 1- Jess
Jess is just like any other ordinary person doing her annual spring cleaning as jeans are tucked away and shorts are brought out. Jackets are worn and big puffy coats are shut into the depths of closets, mittens and hats are shoved into tubs to be stored until the next winter. Last weekend was Valentines Day, and just like every other Valentines Day she has no one to give or recieve flowers or candies from. Her parents had passed away a couple years ago in a car accident that was ubdescribable and an unbearable pain to carry. Also, she had no mate she had dated around, but they had never worked out. Jess always thought it was something with the guy, but ad more and more relationships failed she finally realized it was her. Alas, she had given up on trying to date. Only one guy had acctually told Jess there was something... Different that no one could reach. Sometimes it seemed as if she couldn't even reach yet she didn't even know what that something was.
"What is wrong with you?" kevin had said then walked out on her in her living room.
Later, that morning she found a letter sitting on her front porch on the welcome matt. Her name was neatly printed on the envelop, she knew what it was and had dealt with many like it before. She picked up the envelop gently and walked inside to her office, then she set it on her desk in the pile of papers to later shred. There was a reason for this that she didn't like to think about or relive.
Jess continued her spring cleaning and had finally gotten rid of the that urge she has to keep everything she has. She decided to tart with the hundreds of books he has, flipping through each individual book before throwing it into a box for getting rid of it or keeping it. Soon she stumbled across her high school year book dated for her senior year.
She hesitated before flipping through it thinking about what she might see. Do I really want to do this? She thought. Yes I do. When she first opened it a piece of paper folded in half fell to the floor but she ignored it moving on to the pictures inside. There was a picture of elise and her mixed in with a collage of other photos of seniors. Boy that was a crazy year she said to herself shaking her head.
She continued flipping the pages heading towards the back of the book because her yearbook comittee had decided to add all the fun stuff such as cutest guy and girl, smartest, and all that good stuff. Jess knew what was coming and didn't know if she could continue but she did. The next page contained a photo of Jess and Michael, they were smiling ad happy as ever with no worries, but no one knows what really happened after school let out that year. A chain link of horrible problems.
Tears saryes to well up in Jess's eyes as she thought about those problems and how everything seemed so perfect. The problem is no one can see past the surface of that photo. She slammed the yearbook shut and threw it into the throw away box. Jess bent down to pick up the piece of paper that had fallen from the book and nearly landed at get feet somehow. She opened up thebpaper and read the first words Dear Jess, written in Michael's block hand writig. Her heart had skipped a beat and she lost her breath as she realized what it was.
It was the letter that broke two hearts, ruined a life, and killed two people.
Sorry I didn't mean to post this twice.
Best Answers: Can you read this and give me harsh criticism please?
Lynne | 8 days ago
First of all, you have many typo errors, so you might want to correct them.
It also feels kind of repetitive, because the sentence structure hardly varies. It's always "She ..... She...She..." If used in moderation, this would be fine but in this case it is starting to feel a little bit excessive. As a result of the repetitive (and simple) sentence structure, it feels as if I am being read a children's story book.
On the bright side, the last sentence catches my attention and arouses my curiosity. I would like to know what happens next! On the whole, it is a sound piece with few major errors or faults. :)
👍 184 | 👎 8
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We found more questions related to the topic: Getting words mixed up when writing about a book
It's too much of what I call an "information drop" where the reader is swept at breakneck speed through too much information at once.
One second he is expected to think about big puffy coats put in the closet, the next about dead parents whose death is "indescribable." Now about no dates and the reason why no dates, now a letter, more spring cleaning, hundreds of books, back to the letter, now college yearbook pictures, and on and on.
What's most important here to the story?
What's most shocking?
Start with that, and if you need a background activity, make sure the reader knows the heroine can't keep her mind on the coats or the books because of this problem.
Sometimes writers think they have to drop a fully-formed character right into the reader's lap, complete with all history, when really, we read a story because we like the character but don't have all the details yet.
👍 70 | 👎 3
Hello im 14 so this might not be up to standard you are in writng althiugh any review has its pro's and con's The occasional good parts of the character weren't really all that good at all; they just seemed that way by comparison to the other even-slower parts. the story line at the moment sounds boring and bare and the character Jess is just plain with no hint of spice she needs that extra something to make the reader connect with the character if this is the start of the book it is to boring to keep me involved and lacks in a story structure. Also your sentences need to be structured to not just she all the time as she has a name you also need more of a physical description for the reader to Truly see the character in their mind and not just a blank canvas I also wouldn't call the chapter jess i would give a hint in the title to see what the book is going to become if you are going to read i would also put in a preface to set the story up so you don't get that boring start of the book about the character also the characters personality lacks in colour and is very dull and boring for a main
Hope it helps keep trying at it don't give up in writng as it takes a lot to write a book i would also put in for people to put in their positives so you know what to build the charecter and story on
👍 63 | 👎 -2
On a technical degree, in phrases of the way in which you have got used phrases and sentence constitution, that is lovely well. However, it is not honestly a tale. It's only a scene, and it way not anything to me. We all recognize that a few men and women reduce themselves. Why might we wish to learn some thing we already recognize? What's extraordinary approximately your individual that offers us a rationale to learn approximately her? Where's the plot? 'Girl A cuts herself' isn't a tale. 'X occurs to Girl A and she or he cuts herself for that reason after which Y occurs that is resolved by way of Z' is a tale. 'Girl A cuts herself and Boy B reveals out and threatens to reveal her, which ends up in X, Y and Z' is a tale. This is solely vignette, and no longer an excessively fashioned one - plus, it is all somewhat melodramatic and dare I say it, emo. This discipline topic fairly has been performed to loss of life, and also you ought to do some thing extraordinary, wise or fashioned with it. But, as I mentioned earlier than, the exact writing is flawlessly all correct in the way in which you have got placed your phrases in combination, so that is part the wrestle gained already! I do not know if I learn your prior draft, but it surely looks that you have found out from prior feedback, and that is a well factor in itself. If you'll arise with some thing extra fashioned and somewhat extra mature to write down approximately, I'm definite you might write it lovely good.
👍 56 | 👎 -7
Originally Answered: Please give me constructive criticism?
I am not a fan of this kind of fiction but I am especially impressed by your writing style, your use of action verbs, your ability to write powerful sentences and your vocabulary. Did you say you were 12? Is that twelve years old or you have been writing for twelve years? Just kidding!
You need to nurture your writing skill in a group where you can get real feedback. Find out if a local college has a non-credit course for gifted teens where there are real writers leading the program and equals writing in it. These on-line programs are great for rank amateurs and your writing says that you are already beyond that.
My son was in such a program when he was in fifth grade. The State of Washington had a live-away writing experience where the best young writers from all over the state spent a couple of weeks under the tutelage of professional writers and learned techniques of story creation, editing, elements of writing, and had the opportunity to be immersed in a program where everyone had been chosen because of advanced writing skills. What made the experience extra exciting was that the campus was the naval base where the movie "Officer and a Gentleman" had been filmed.
Did he become an author? No. He became a song writer and performer which was what he wanted to be but writing is writing. He has also written for a few music magazines.
Are your parents in the field? Both my wife and I have been published (I've had 3 books published) and I have a couple of ancestors who were known writers.
What is important at this point in your life isn't this story. It is the fact that you demonstrate exceptional skills in the writing of the story. I would not have known you were twelve had you not mentioned it. Broaden your writing so that you don't just write about what all the kids are interested in. Find characters closer to reality so that you can invest real feelings in them and put them in situations that are more than sword and sorcery. Yes, you are THAT good a writer!
Best of luck to you. Let me know when you put up other work. I would love to read it.