Originally Answered: How can I improve my fanfiction story?
Well, the way you can improve your writing is to just keep writing. I know, it sounds like a stupid piece of advice, but practice really does make perfect. Also, I read a bit of your story (you might want to add that it's about Naruto in your description) and you switch between past and present tense a lot. And you use the word 'then' a lot.
As for your other problem about your older stories getting more reviews, that's happened to me as well. I think it's a problem a lot of people go through. The thing is that a lot of fangirls/boys have these little fantasies and then they sort of create their own stories and put an OC-self insert in it. Most of these stories aren't that well written, but because it has that quality where they want to be in those shoes, they enjoy reading it. It's not just fanfiction, it's real stories too. There are some stories like Twilight (if you're a Twilight fan, then I apologize) that have many flaws, but because the whole romance appeals to people, it gets popular. This is just what I think, it could be false. So, you shouldn't worry too much about that and just ignore it.