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Can someone please read my essay?

Can someone please read my essay? Topic: Best essays to read
July 24, 2019 / By Cherilyn
Question: It is an important essay for an outbound ambassador program for highschool. If you do want to read my essay please leave your email in a comment. I will vote best answer.
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Best Answers: Can someone please read my essay?

Ashley Ashley | 10 days ago
Send me on "[email protected]" I will read the essay and will also make correcions where necessary.
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Ashley Originally Answered: Could you read my essay?
Great start! I wouldn't start off by saying that you "do not remember ever wanting to be the leader..." because that makes you sound snobby and you don't want to demonstrate the fact that you despise leadership. You have a good sense of sequence, especially when you discuss your project management, and you include a bunch of examples of your leadership qualities. Other than that, it's pretty good...you have a few run on sentences here and there. Try to read it out loud a few times and fix it based on how it sounds. You could also include some better vocabulary. Hope I helped!
Ashley Originally Answered: Could you read my essay?
I will be honest and I hope I don't hurt your feelings but what grade are you in? This is a nice essay for a 7th or 8th grader but not so much for a senior. However, I did read it and here is what I finished with. I have been part of the gifted program for 6 years. During the past 6 years, I do not remember wanting to be the leader of a project but I would take that responsibility to get the job done. I possess leader-like qualities getting everything organized and in order. In my opinion, in order to be a leader you must be very responsible, you must be able to speak out, and you must be able to help others in need. I show leadership among my peers because I am usually the one who takes the most responsibility in group projects. It is often my job to supervise the group and go over their work to try to make sure it will exceed standards. At home, I also do more work and add more contributions to the project than most of my team members. I also call my team members to remind them about the project or tell them to add something. If they are experiencing problems at home like with printing or finding information, I help them do it. Another way I show leadership among my peers is by being fearless and not being afraid to speak. I do not stand by and let a teacher falsely accuse my group or me. I will not stay with my arms crossed when a teacher accuses me or my group of something we have not done. An extremely important quality for a leader to stand behind decisions weather they are right or wrong. Being a leader will increase the responsibility in that aspect in which you will have to defend choices. Lastly, I think that I show leadership among my peers is by helping those that need help. If someone comes up to me because he or she needs help, either over the phone or in school, I do whatever I can to help them or try to help them. Leadership is more about knowing what the team is in need of, than what I can do on my own. I do not mind pulling my weight but leading does not include doing all the work myself. A good leader knows when to back away and let others find a place in the mix of things. Being a great leader does not mean I have to be a commander as well.
Ashley Originally Answered: Could you read my essay?
Ok, so just skimming through your essay, heres what I found: "At home[,] I also do more work and add more contributions to the project than most" You need to put a comma after 'home'. "If they are experiencing problems at home[,] like with printing or finding information[,] I help them do it." Put a comma after 'home' and 'information'. "Lastly, I think that I show leadership among my peers is by helping those that need help" This sentence sounds funny. It would read much more fluently if you took the 'is' out. "get the math or forgot what the homework was[,] and since I am knowledgeable in such things, they" Put a comma after 'was'. I'm not sure if its punctuational errors you're looking for or not, but punctuation is what I'm best at. If this was my essay, there is a lot of stuff I would go through and change regarding sentence structure and such. Your essay would look better if it had better defined paragraphs so its not so choppy. And the very first sentence of every paragraph should kind of be a summary of what the rest of the paragraph is about - like an introduction or something and every sentence after that needs to be related to that subject- if you understand what I'm saying. And one last thing, when you are in college, you get points docked for using abbreviations - like "you're" instead of "you are" etc. It's a big 'no-no' in college. Even though you're in 8th grade, you might want to consider spelling all your abbreviations out. I hope this helps. Good luck on your essay!
Ashley Originally Answered: Could you read my essay?
First things first, make sure that your grammar and punctuation are up to snuff because I noted many mistakes in your essay, and they do pay attention to the details. Second, where is your thesis statement. I don't mean to sound rude or mean, but there is very little structure in this essay. Begin with a powerful opening statement, giving an example or a definition of a leader and then write the essay focused around that definition or explaining how the example illustrates great leadership. The first sentence currently there is definitely lacking. Third, give some real life examples of leadership. Don't just say "I am the one who usually does this or that." Give concrete evidence. Show them how amazing you really are. Fourth, don't sound wishy-washy. In the second sentence, this would not convince me of your leadership abilities. Fifth, don't attack others. Your goal is to show why you are the best qualified, not tear down people who do not show leadership. I would cut out rhetorical questions, such as: "What kind of leader allows someone to wrong their people without trying to do something about it? Inept leaders, that's who." That doesn't show how you are a leader. This leads to sixth finally, focus on the point of this essay. Show that you are a born leader. You don't have to have cured cancer or help end hunger in a third world country. You just need to show them how you stand out from the crowd. P.S. Get away from contractions such as "don't." Write the whole words out. P.S.S. Please just take this as constructive criticism. I am not trying to put down your writing abilities, just improve on the foundation you already laid.

Ashley Originally Answered: Can any one read over my essay?
Frankly, your essay is a train wreck. There is no clear focus, you do not have a thesis, and your attempt at writing a hook was borderline illiterate. It might help if you wrote an outline first. Decide what you are trying to prove. I think you are writing a persuasive essay but I am not sure. Next find three examples to justify whatever you are trying to prove (each one of these will comprise the body paragraphs in your essay). For your conclusion just summarize everything you said in the first four paragraphs. I wrote most of the introduction paragraph (minus a thesis statement). Here is what your essay could look like: As of January 2, 2009 one hundred thousand five hundred and fifty nine people in the United States were in need of an organ transplant. The number for transplant candidates fluctuates constantly. However, in 2008 the number of candidates exceeded one hundred thousand for the very first time making organ donation more necessary than ever before. One out of four transplant patients will die waiting for an organ. With an average of six thousand seven hundred and forty four deaths in the U.S. per day this statistic is unacceptable. One donor can save up to eight lives and enhance the lives of 50 other people. So why are the needs of America’s transplant patients not being met?
Ashley Originally Answered: Can any one read over my essay?
I like your essay a lot, but I think your last paragraph could use a little help since it sounds repetitive of earlier information in the essay. I had a liver transplant, so I support organ transplantation very much. How about something like this? Wouldn't it be wonderful to save the life of someone in desperate need of a transplant? You could give the gift of life. What a wonderful way to leave this earth by saving the life of many others who desperately want to get well and live. Everyone one of us will have the opportunity to give this gift sometime in the future. I hope we all can be organ donors.

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