COULD YOU READ MY SCI FI STORY? Topic: Reasons why you should write a business plan
July 23, 2019 / By Jerrard
Question: TELL ME IF ITS GOOD IGNORE THE SPELLING ILL FIX IT LATER the story is on america trying to stop terroism my creating children who can read peoples minds before they can commit a terroist act I saw her blonde hair beaming from across in the distance her bright blue eyes staring at me and following my pace as I made my way to the lunch table. Hi Tasha she said in a soft comforting voice as I took my seat opposite her, “oh-my-god I love your headband where‘d you get it“? Yeah right I thought, you hate it its obvious oh and it looks like you hate my T-shirt as well and you have a crush on Michael … I could have written a novel that very moment but I managed to wipe my mind of its constantly recurring cycle. “Thanks Mia” I replied hesitating. I guess some people would call me lucky for having the gift I have if they knew, but now that I have been living with it for 15 years I wish that I was like the rest of them falling into the teenage years made dominantly of lies. What would it be like to not know? Not knowing whether someone was lying? Not knowing if someone likes you? Not knowing when someone is thinking or talking about you? I’ve always wondered but never asked. Professor always says I am the reason society is what it is today, that I am the reason that no one can commit a terrorist attack without being caught before hand or the reasons why our communities are safer today then they have ever been in the past. I regret it sometimes, I mean telling people what I know but I guess it’s for the best, for everyone not just me. I already have a full time guaranteed job and I am only 15, I should be worrying about other stuff like school and friends but without choice I get stuck in everybody else’s business and troubles. Mum doesn’t talk about it much what happened to me right after I was born all I know is that after I was born doctors implanted this new highly advanced device in my brain and that’s why I’m different, I guess you could call me an experiment. Mum also told me that I am not alone, that there are many others like me that they can do what I do too but I have never been able to track them down because we are all in witness protection. There’s one of us in every major city of every single state of America since our existence America has gone from being very unsafe to one of the safest places to live in the WORLD. . . . As I made my way into my house I was still thinking about Tasha , she’s so judgemental haven’t her parents told her that if she doesn’t have anything nice to say that she shouldn’t say anything at all?. How could she like Michael, she knows I like Michael she knows Michael likes me too…as I grabbed the door handle to open my door I got another vision. Professors here dammit why can’t he realise that I am not going to change its been 15 years! As I entered I was assured my brain had told me correctly, professor was here enjoying an afternoon coffee with my mum. Hi professor, hi Mum I said in a rather paranoid voice I attempted to go upstairs and hide in my room but mum stopped me in my path “professor would like to talk to you Tasha’ erhhh god.. Another boring hour of my life. I made my way back downstairs to join professor and mum at the dinner table. Hi Tasha its been another week as you know I was wondering is there anything you wish to tell me, about the minds you have read this week. Well tomorrow four people are going to attempt to bring cocaine here into California, street value of around two hundred and fifteen thousand dollars, I read their mind on the train home from school. Any thing else said professor any terrorist acts? Yes I replied a Caucasian male around 35 is going to try to board a American airlines plane tomorrow he will be armed with a gun and knife he is planning to hold the cast and crew hostage, you have to be there at 12:00am at terminal 7 to stop him. that’s all the thoughts I could retrieve from that man professor. Very well Tasha he replied, I will inform the police about our latest terrorism plot is their anything else? There’s one more thing professor how many successful terrorist plots have their been in the last year? Professor stared at me I no he knew I knowed the answer but he replied anyway “ZERO” Tasha “ZERO”. I wanted to tell professor right here an then that what we are doing is wrong that while it might seem right it is wrong America’s well boring nothing interesting ever happens anymore and its because of me and others like me America is too PERFECT… Why does it have a bad message oh yer i onky wrote this because i have to write one for english
Best Answer


Gilead Gilead | 4 days ago
Ignore Josh. Ok, I keep saying this. Please do not write a story in the 1st person (i.e. "I will etc"). The only time you would write stories in the 1st person is if you are writing an autobiographical piece and are trying to relate an actual experience or something similar. Use the 3rd tense i.e. "HE looked over at.."etc. Apart from that mistake which many young authors do, the idea is very good. I read a lot of techno-thrillers ala Tom Clancy, Forsythe, Le Carre', Ludlum etc so I can relate to the material at hand. I like it. You sort of took the idea from Minority Report I take it and made it into a techno thriller. It has a nice twist to it and sounds like something Clancy would do. I would carry on as it sounds very interesting. Good luck and I'll definitely read the first chapter if you ever complete it and put it online. edit: by the way, your biggest challenge will be making terrorist plots and how the US woulds react to certain situations seeing you are young. So you will need to research it...
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Gilead Originally Answered: 15, writing a short story. Pls read this excerpt from my short story and tell me if its any good and how?
What Janey Lou said. You need to pay more attention to detail. Missing words, wrong punctuation and grammar mistakes can all be confusing to the reader and ruin their flow. Can air really be fresh AND humid? Would a six year old really know it was 3.30pm? Would he really think all those naughty words? Isn't a guy with only twenty-five percent eyesight going to be deeply affected by that? I'm quite surprised he just goes and gets a job and a room and doesn't mention it, or how he feels about it, again. I think you need to step into his shoes a little more. Ever heard the phrase "show, don't tell"? Instead of summarising what happened, you need to bring us in as close as possible to the characters and their feelings and experiences moment by moment. This is harder work and will take up more pages, but I guarantee it'll make better reading and help us engage with your characters better. Your biggest piece of summarising is this passage: "It took a while before somebody finally found me up at the roof. My savior had the heart and common sense to call for an ambulance. I was taken to the hospital and remained there for days. Waiting for my adoptive parents to come, but they never did. It wasn’t till years later when I found out that my step-dad murdered my step-mom, Katie, and Joe. After days of medical attention Dr. Levings, a kind man in his late sixties with a medical degree from Stanford, gave me the bad news. He told me I was close to being legally blind and that twenty-five percent of my eyesight should return." and in contrast to the passage where he's lying helpless on the roof, which is much more descriptive and 'in the moment', it's a real shame. Of course, you don't want to go over the whole six days moment by moment, but you can skip the parts which aren't so important and just show us key moments; perhaps his arrival at hospital and later, a conversation with the doctor. And the fact that the step-dad murdered the rest of the family is a bit out of the blue and offhand. Couldn't you give it more impact? Explain why? This is going to have a big effect on your character too. Of course, explanations may come later, but in that case I would do a bit more to build up suspense and mystery rather than blurt out such a big revelation and then ignore it for a few pages. I hope this helps. Your writing is generally good and the story has potential, but it takes practice to master any art! Keep it up, and good luck.
Gilead Originally Answered: 15, writing a short story. Pls read this excerpt from my short story and tell me if its any good and how?
It's very good! Plenty of information in the first paragraph. There are a couple of things I would like to point out, in order to help if I can. When we write something we are often so close to it, that no matter how many times we read it we miss mistakes. This is because we know what's meant to be there and we just fill it in in our head. In your first sentence you have missed 'would' between it and be. And in the first and second sentences you are asking the reader a question, so you need question marks. Do you read what you've written aloud to yourself? It's always good to do this because you can see if the sentence flows or not. It's always best when writing to be as concise and tight as possible. Always check that you have used the least possible amount of words to say what you want to say and be careful not to over use certain words. Also always check your punctuation and spelling, there are a few places in this excerpt which you could look at again. I think you have a great talent, and I hope you find these tips useful.
Gilead Originally Answered: 15, writing a short story. Pls read this excerpt from my short story and tell me if its any good and how?
This has great potential, but as a reader I feel it is repeating that there is nothing and he is running entirely too many times. I understand that he is trying to escape his feelings of impending doom. I get frustrated reading about it for so long. I would probably pass this book up in the store. Perhaps you may try to take out the repitition and find more to elaborate on, as in ..."The never ending feeling of dread, pity, and loneliness followed him throughout the wayward world he was in. There was nothing he could do but run. These feelings would always manifest into a blank, empty form chasing him down the blackened streets. Nobody to help him, he himself was the only salvation to stop the enveloping madness in his mind, hoping everything will just stop in place." ... I would think your character is consumed with something. I am late for work.... but I hope you get the idea.

Donnie Donnie
i like the basic idea, but the spelling and grammar must be changed for the reader to enjoy the read
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Donnie Originally Answered: Would You Read This Story?
That sounds so interesting! I love the originality of the idea. I mean there are thousands of Apocalypse books, but the whole Death-being-turned-into-teenager thing is just awesome! I would definitely read that For the Lifeguard's name I use common names, something guys would think is hot: Ellen Katie Erin Lauren Something common and modern Please write it and let me know what you do with it (I'll read it for sure) Good luck!
Donnie Originally Answered: Would You Read This Story?
Sounds great, like a published novel :) However, if you don't delete this question soon, there's a small chance that it will become a published novel with someone else as the author.

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