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Would you please critique my story (so far)? [10 pts. for honest opinions]?

Would you please critique my story (so far)? [10 pts. for honest opinions]? Topic: How to write a short critique of a play
June 25, 2019 / By Alberta
Question: “Olivia, where is the new volleyball coach?” “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “He said he’d be here…” Byron crossed his arms over his chest. “We’ll just start the meeting without him, then,” he decided. I opened my mouth to object, and in doing so I was putting my job on the line; but that was a risk I was not willing to take, so I closed my mouth quickly. So the fall sport meeting was starting before my volleyball coach had arrived. There were twelve people, counting myself: Byron West, my boss and the head of school; Butch Orchid, Sid Reals, and Walter Devon, the football coaches; Anthony Quill and Seven French, the boys’ soccer coaches; Nina Velasquez, the cheerleading coach; Hollis Taylor, the golf coach; Mandy Hern, my fellow girls’ soccer coach; and David and Gretchen Luis, the cross-country coaches. We were still waiting for Justin Thomas, my new girls’ volleyball coach. The door opened and someone peered into the room. A pair of eyes glanced around, and then a head appeared. The hair was light brown and slightly curly, but it was cut neatly and the bangs were parted in the middle. The skin was pale, but the somewhat large ears and hawk-like nose were pink. The lips were thin, but a set of perfectly white and straight teeth were behind them. The eyebrows were dark brown and were not too thick or too thin; under his eyebrows were two beautiful blue eyes, which seemed to be bluer than the ocean. “What time is it?” he asked. “You’re five minutes late, Justin,” Byron said. He motioned to the empty seat next to me. “You can sit next to Miss Fletcher.” The new face obeyed and sat next to me. He was about 6’2” and he was thin, but he had muscles. He was wearing a white t-shirt and black basketball shorts with read streaks down either side. He was wearing black and red Nike sneakers, and he did not seem to be wearing socks. His calf and arm muscles were large. “I’m sorry,” he said. “No excuses,” Byron said. “Now, let’s get started. “I am Byron West, the head of school here and the guidance counselor after hours; this young lady next to me is Olivia Fletcher, the athletic director, the head girls’ soccer coach and the gym teacher. Now, we have to get one rule clear before we show you where you’ll be coaching; I am reiterating this to those of you who have worked here in the past: It is against the staff rules to get involved with your fellow teachers and colleagues; friendly relationships are allowed, but no romantic relationships. The only exception is if you are married before you join our staff. Am I clear?” Every one of the coaches nodded and mumbled their understanding; except for Justin Thomas. He glanced from Byron, to me, to the clock, and back to me; he seemed to be in a rush. “Olivia,” Byron said, “why don’t you take Justin to the gym and the outdoor court?” I nodded my head and stood. Justin mirrored my action and I led him out to the main hallway. “How long have you been teaching?” he asked as we walked along the hall. “This is going to be my second year,” I answered. “How long have you been coaching?” “Almost nine years.” He looked into the classrooms. “I just moved here from Santa Barbara, y’know. I played and coached beach volleyball up in Cali for about five years.” He kept on going straight when I had turned, so I grabbed him by the back collar of his shirt and tugged gently. He turned, and, noticing me enter the gym, followed me. “Nice gym,” he muttered, looking around. “Do the girls play in here?” “Once the colder weather starts they do,” I answered. “It stays warm for a few weeks to a month. The warm weather means they can play on the outdoor court. Come on, I’ll show it to you.” It seemed as if he had not heard me, so I grabbed his hand and led him at a somewhat fast pace outside to the school’s beach volleyball court. When we arrived at the court and I had let go of his hand, he stared down at me like he had never seen or heard of such a thing. He looked at the court, and I smiled. He crossed his arms over his chest and pursed his lips; he seemed to like it. I looked at his eyes to see what they were speaking; it was hard to tell what they were saying, due to the fact that I was looking at him from the side and he was two inches short of a foot taller than me. But when he looked down at me, I felt a rush at the words hidden in his eyes. I turned away quickly, and walked a few feet away, trying to hide myself in the shade of an oak tree. I was overwhelmed by the emotions his eyes had sent to me, and I began to feel shaky and sick. I glanced up at him, and I noticed him coming towards me. “Are you okay, Olivia?” he asked. I felt his hand touch my back. “You’re all shaky and pale.” His hand began to move up and down; his fingers seemed nimble as they carefully stroked my back and shoulder blades. I nodded, but at the same time I said “Not really…” “Come on, you should get inside where it’s cooler,” he said, gently pushing me towards the school. I leaned up against the tree. “You go on, I–I want to stay out here for a moment,” I said, falling to the ground. He bent down and looked into my eyes; I turned away. “Are you sure you’re okay? I can carry you or get Byron—” I shook my head. “I’ll be inside in a few.” I offered him a weak smile. “I’m fine.” He patted my shoulder. “Hang in there, Olivia. I’ll be inside if you need anything.” Once he disappeared back into the school I stared after him. I was still horribly overwhelmed by the emotions in his eyes, the affect they had on me. It had been an emotion I had never encountered often, one that was a rarity for small-town, English, gym teacher Olivia Fletcher to find. The emotion in those blue eyes belonging to Justin Thomas, the volleyball teacher, was amazing: Love.
Best Answer

Best Answers: Would you please critique my story (so far)? [10 pts. for honest opinions]?

Trevelyan Trevelyan | 7 days ago
The lips were thin, but a set of perfectly white and straight teeth were behind them. The eyebrows were dark brown and were not too thick or too thin; under his eyebrows were two beautiful blue eyes, which seemed to be bluer than the ocean. I would change this to: "...which seemed more blue than any ocean God created." and this: The new face obeyed and sat next to me. to: "The late arrival obeyed and sat next to me." The reason I would change the 'new face' is because you have already described in detail what this person looks like. Calling him 'the new face' seems to point out a fixation, not to mention that a face cannot sit beside you. It reads funny. I could be wrong, it may just be me though. :) I believe this person has been smitten by the late arrival, and describing his looks should reflect that a bit more - hence the reason I wrote 'which seemed more blue than any ocean God created'. Nice story. I think if I were in that group, I would tell Byron to kiss my behind. It isn't any of his business who develops a relationship with whom and when lol.
👍 142 | 👎 7
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Trevelyan Originally Answered: I need some honest critique on my short story, i won't be offended by your opinion i just need some opinions?
Here is the truth, my dear. I stopped reading around the fifth paragraph. The action moves too slowly. At this point I'm just reading to critique as I go. The comment above me is correct: doors don't pound, people pound on them. You use the word sickened twice within about 20 words. That's too repetitive. Don't include thoughts like "Was SHE in danger?" A stranger is banging on her door in the middle of the night. She's getting goosebumps from the fear. Of course it sounds like a dangerous situation. Don't labor the obvious. If the little girl is "shining back tears" then of course she's "on the verge of tears." How long can a hallway be if the house is that small? "Call the police? Well that didn’t wasn’t even a question." - Aside from the extra word here - what do you mean it wasn't even a question? Why not? The word "quiver" does not coincide with "violently." While I'm at it, you don't need an adverb in every sentence. The end of this is interesting. You got my attention back. But yeah, B&W photos don't capture red hair. It's good enough to say the she recognized the girl. It turns out that you do have a good premise. But I only learned that because I forced myself to get through the beginning. Work on the intro, cut down on the overdramatic adjectives, and give the woman more action to do before she opens the door.
Trevelyan Originally Answered: I need some honest critique on my short story, i won't be offended by your opinion i just need some opinions?
Honestly I think it was very predictable. The ghost that relieves their death and the people finding out that they were dead is very, very over done. Also, there are a number of small errors, such as a black and white photo can't show the colour of the girls hair and the first sentence I think sounds a bit funny as a door can't pound itself, maybe 'Someone was pounding on the door.' would have been a better start? There are also spelling errors such as 'terished' and I think maybe you have repeted the same sort of sentence twice, about the flowers, maybe if you changed this to one sentence to avoid repeating? It is the same with the part about the tears. There are also some grammar errors. “You must help me” she pleaded, gripping the womans long dark sleeve“I’m being chased....” she gulped, her brown eyes shining back tears“By a man” she was on the verge of tears and pushed past the frozen woman, running down the long hallway and into the depths of the small home. When you end a dialogue, you need punctuation. If you are continuing the sentence you can put a comma then the closing speech mark then the rest of the sentence. Watch your spacing too. Try searching for grammarbook on google, I think that would help a lot. It does have potential, with some work, I think.

Reginald Reginald
A few things (from the top) I opened my mouth to object, and in doing so I was putting my job on the line; but that was a risk I was not willing to take, so I closed my mouth quickly. I don't understand why by objecting she is putting her job on the line - just how harsh is this guy? So the fall sport meeting was starting before my volleyball coach had arrived. There were twelve people, counting myself: Byron West, my boss and the head of school; Butch Orchid, Sid Reals, and Walter Devon, the football coaches; Anthony Quill and Seven French, the boys’ soccer coaches; Nina Velasquez, the cheerleading coach; Hollis Taylor, the golf coach; Mandy Hern, my fellow girls’ soccer coach; and David and Gretchen Luis, the cross-country coaches. Do we really (really?) need all those names now? No one's going to be able to remember them. Keep them in your notes and introduce them into the story as needed. A pair of eyes glanced around, and then a head appeared. Made me laugh. Anatomicaly impossible unless his eyes are on stalks. He was about 6’2” and he was thin, but he had muscles. He was wearing a white t-shirt and black basketball shorts with read streaks 'read streaks'? Now, we have to get one rule clear before we show you where you’ll be coaching; I am reiterating this to those of you who have worked here in the past: It is against the staff rules to get involved with your fellow teachers and colleagues; friendly relationships are allowed, but no romantic relationships. The only exception is if you are married before you join our staff. Am I clear?” This is the one rule that has to be clear? Seems extemely unlikely to me. Find some other way to mention this, otherwise it's just an author's device. He kept on going straight when I had turned, so I grabbed him by the back collar of his shirt and tugged gently. Really, she grabbed his collar. He's a complete stranger. Some people might take offense. "so I grabbed his hand and led him" Now she's taking his hand. Highly implausible. He looked at the court, and I smiled. He crossed his arms over his chest and pursed his lips; he seemed to like it. I looked at his eyes to see what they were speaking You can't use 'speaking' like this. overwhelmed by the emotions his eyes had sent to me Needs rewriting. I leaned up against the tree. “You go on, I–I want to stay out here for a moment,” I said, falling to the ground. If she'd fallen to the ground, he would rightly assume she needed medical help. Use another verb. Once he disappeared back into the school I stared after him. I was still horribly overwhelmed by the emotions in his eyes, the affect effect they had on me. It had been an emotion I had never encountered often, "I'd not encountered often" or "I'd never encountered" one that was a rarity for small-town, English, gym teacher Olivia Fletcher to find. Delete "to find"
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Mckenzie Mckenzie
I love the names. But I think you need to break out a thesaurus because you have too many pebble words and not enough rock words. No words are memorable. I love the plot and the overall story!
👍 44 | 👎 -9

Mckenzie Originally Answered: Is this story good? Be honest! Critique, change, do whatever you need to do. Please edit it or something?
Did you write this yourself?! if you did its a very good story!!!! i don't think you need to change it at all its wonderful!!:) if this was a book,i would read it:) Hope I Helped!!

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